This Isn’t It.

Dear You,

You drive to work and the radio is on but you aren’t really listening. You are in the car but you are never really there. You have no control over your life right now, it is just moving without you and not in the direction you would prefer. How do you change this path that you cannot control? You want your body to listen to you and you are making all your actions reflect those things you want; yet, the opposite is occurring. What is your next move?

It is devastating that whatever life you wish to lead has to be crammed into 48 hours of the weekend and about 30-40 minutes between work and sleep. How can you have a child when your ideal times are probably during your working hours? How can you lose weight when you sit at a desk 8 hours straight without any active or movement in your heart? Aside from your waking up at 3:30am to squeeze in a good two hours of gym time, how can you compete?

You do not have control over your life right now. Will you ever? Years are flying by. You aren’t who you were before; you know too much now. How are you going to make it through the next shift of years? How are you going to handle possibly never becoming a mother? How do accept that the main function of your body, the sole purpose of your existence is faulted? Where do you go from there? Nothing will ever bring you enough joy to let go or accept a childless life. It can still happen but I am sorry that you have to struggle for everything that can bring you joy. I am sorry that you must fight hard for everything that is good in this world. I am sorry that “easy” isn’t a part of your world. I am sorry that you feel sorry for yourself.

But, fuck it. Because this isn’t it.

Me.

To “Anyone Who Will Listen”,

I never thought I would be someone who stopped believing in love.  Well, romantic love.  The idea of it seems so unrealistic to me now.  I have no real hope in finding out if it could be real anymore.

You know, I am just really tired of giving control to other people, for letting them let me down.  For all the lies, the sneakiness, the selfishness and for me always feeling bad when I have a reaction to any of it.  I am done with feeling bad.

I thought I wanted to be alone.  Forever.  I don’t think I really want that either.  That is not to say that I believe in love.  But I really want someone to be there for me and be a partner.  Can a guy just “have my 6” ????  I mean, can you ride with me, have my back, be on my damn team, can I be worth not losing????  The guy who takes my side even when I am wrong but for the face of the team just defends me.

Seems like I am just a great temporary catch to most guys I have been in relationships with.  I am good friend.  I am nice person.  I am not life long material?   And don’t get me wrong, I am not speaking for all relationships, some I just destroyed all by myself but the ones, the ones that I gave my all to, those I can’t see why I couldn’t be enough.

Oh yea, I am supposed to tell myself, hey, you’re too good for him, he doesn’t deserve you, he is not worthy, he’s wrong, wrong, wrong!  Ha!  If it  was one guy, maybe that would work.  I am sick of proving how worthy I am to be a lifelong partner and then having someone tell me, “you know I do love you, but I am not ready and don’t know when I will be.   I don’t want to lose you but I have to let you go.”  That’s not verbatim for any one person but it’s a summary of what I have been hearing for quite some time.  Or the “but I was going to marry you in a year or two, why are you leaving.”  Oh, I don’t know because it has been like 3 years and you haven’t even mentioned that was in your time line EVER.  (Because it wasn’t).

What am I trying to say?  Nothing, I guess.  I am just venting.  I am feeling very overwhelmed the past few weeks and I can’t seem to get out of my own way.  Squash and I are broken up.  I gave it my best shot, it definitely wasn’t enough.  It’s okay, we are friends.  It is amicable.  It’s crazy gut wrenching and sad.   We live together and this has to be by far the hardest way to end a relationship but still live together.  I mean we are so fine with each other it’s not the problem.  For me, it is the issue of standing still that makes me so anxious.  Sure, I have been looking for apartments but it’s just that I haven’t found the right one that suites my space and my wallet.  No, it is not an excuse to prolong leaving, that I can assure you.  This is not easy for either of us.  It can get uneasy and uncomfortable for us both at times.  The lines are defined but blur.  It is just tough.

That’s all I got for now.

Later Dayz,

Me

 

 

 

Dear God

Dear God,

I want to thank you for all the beautiful things that you have added to my life.  As I look outside the express bus window on my way to work every morning, some days I think about how lucky I am and other days I can feel distraught thinking about the things I don’t have.

Today, I take a step back.  One year ago today, my friend, a one time best friend, a one time boyfriend and one time enemy, passed away at 27 years old.  I can’t believe it’s a year already.  I can’t believe he is gone.  One thing I do know is that You, God, are with him and he is free of pain and hurt.

I feel sadness today in my heart, missing the friend I had, missing that sweet boy I know in my 20’s, regretting childish and irresponsible decisions I made at the time of our encounters.   I always pray and think, I hope Stephen knows that I never meant to hurt him when I did and that I was a dumb kid, not thinking.  I hope he knows that I do think about him and still can’t believe it’s a year and hate that I couldn’t even say goodbye.

God, this is my letter to you in hopes to relay the message to our monkey, Stephen Andrew Lipton.  I pray his soul rests in peace and he has the clarity to feel all the love of the people missing him in here on earth.  I hope he is smiling.

Thanks for taking care of our friend.

Love you always Lord,

Lisa

Mother, Letter 9

Dear Mother,

Sometimes I feel like I need to see you because I need someone to blame for all the craziness I have inside my mind. Then I realize that would just make everything worse.

Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to hug you. I try to remember if you ever had love in your heart for me. I try to think about how it would feel to miss you even though I still harbor so much pain inside for you.

It’s crazy, I can’t let it go. I can’t let you go. Makes you happy, to know how conflicted you have made me. You feel important, I’m sure. My thoughts make you relevant every time you might feel that you start to fade out, I come back in and remind you how your actions forever affect my life. That’s powerful.

Is it that I just can’t grow up? I don’t want to let go because than I might have to take responsibility for my failures? Maybe.

Mom, I want hugs when I cry. I want to be taught how to be a good woman. I want to know how to, when to, with who to, and why to doing anything you were supposed to teach me.

I want the nurturing touch of a mother who loves me.

Why? Why was I not worth a hug?
Lee

To The Monkey 2

Dear Stephen,

Hey there.  Been thinking about you.  I know tomorrow’s your birthday and I wanted you to know I hadn’t forgotten.  I thought about bringing flowers to the cemetery where you rest.  But in my awkwardness, I don’t know where you are exactly and don’t want to be wondering around there alone.  I am sure you understand.

I hope the afterlife is treating you way better than life was here for you.  Even though, you had so many opportunities on earth I know that it was hard for you mentally.  I hope you are at peace.

This might seem crazy but last night you were in my dream.  We were talking and hanging out, the dream hasn’t come back to me fully but you grabbed my hand and held it and I swear I felt it in real life.  I woke up from the touch on my left hand and then you were gone.  It felt so real.  I still have this eerie feeling in my hand as if something is still in it too.  Some things you just can’t explain.

Sometimes, I smell you when I walk into a room and I automatically think you had just been there.  It is so weird how a smell can place you in a moment, in a time and bring someone right there with you even if they are not.

This is a short note for now.  Have a happy birthday in heaven.

Lee

Dearest Autumn

Dear Autumn,

September has arrived and without fail I get the same old feelings. The feel of wild summer’s end and falling into comfortability.

Last year at this time, I was breaking an old relationship and moving into my own apartment for the second time. It was a bigger place and somewhere I could start fresh. I love moving. It feels like letting go of the past.

Fall always feels like a new beginning for me. I am sure that is a common feeling for most because it is reminiscent of school starting its new year. I love how I feel when a subtle cool breeze touches my face. It bids farewell to the hot crazy days of summer and welcomes me with open arms for a chance to start over.

It is my favorite moment on earth. Seasons change and with it so do I. We live our life in seasons. Episodes of events and experience that soon pass us by and take us to our ultimate grand finale.

I am not ready for my series finale. I have so much I have to do in this life. I am going fight for everything I have ever dreamed of and never let life’s disruptions defeat me. I will not be defeated by pain as I thought I once would be.

Growing up is a process. It takes a long time to understand that you have a specific purpose. I will tell you it is very difficult to get there but I know once I finally figure it out, all my hardships and inner demons will have been worth every struggle and fight. I am a fighter. I feel weak but I overcome everything that comes at me.

What I feel that is most important in life is love. It is not the word so much as the action you use to display it with. I have so much love inside of me. I want to share it desperately in its most vulnerable state without being afraid of disappointment or abandonment. Sometimes it is difficult but sometimes it takes the right people in your life to show you that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.

So I welcome the beautiful colors of Autumn. Fall onto my face and fill me with complete happiness. Empty my mind of negativity and start anew. See love in its naked form and be free.

Thank you for seasons. Thank you Autumn. You are beautiful.

To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern,

It has been some time since we last spoke and I was pretty upset with you when we did.  I guess the reason for the argument was not the real reason for the falling out.  I never intended to not have you here as a friend.  The fact that you have went unphased by the end of our communication makes me feel sad.  Not only sad but stupid.  Stupid because maybe the value I had put on the friendship had been greater than the value you had put on it.  Maybe I misjudged the relationship.

With that said, let me just clarify that I know that I am not a perfect friend.  I am flakey because I am anxious and a commitment phobe.  I break plans a lot because I get tired, lazy or nervous about nothing.  I try to be a good listener but I am not good at it which is something I always expressed to you.  You didn’t really like to talk about your issues anyway so i thought we both agreed that it was a good fit.  I talk and you listen,  I try to listen and you try to talk.  I don’t know, I thought it worked, at least for a while.

I tried to be there for you even when you wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong.  I was very open and blunt about my opinions on your decisions, not because I wanted to make you feel bad or hurt you but because if I didn’t tell you exactly what I felt about it, I would feel like I wasn’t being true to you or our friendship.  I feel a friend should tell you want you need to hear not what you want to hear.

I know I have my faults and I am the type of person to admit when I am making a mistake.  I would never give you 100% of the blame for the weirdness that had come between us.  I have tried to figure out for months where things changed.  What went wrong?  Did I change?  Did you change?  Did we just grow apart as people just naturally tend to do?

Was it insecurities?  Was it something I had that you wanted or was it something you had that I wanted?  I always admired your “don’t give a fuck” attitude.  I hated that I worried about everything so much and you could just brush everything off your shoulders.  I wanted that quality and it was so frustrating to watch everything roll off of you, even now.  Maybe I was jealous of that.  I can admit that.  We are human beings, there is no way in hell that friends can’t be jealous of what the other might possess.  I am strong enough to admit that.

I miss the laughs, I miss the really really long, good conversations.  The real ones, though.  The ones without the hard shell mask.  The walks, the talks, the times we sat in the car and would bullshit for hours about everyone and everything.  Our Full Circle.  The times where I knew you had my back and you weren’t trying to make jokes at my expense.  Towards the end, I started to do the same.  I’ll admit that.  Why not?  I was being dished that.

All that I say, doesn’t make me correct but it is just statements of how I felt and feel.  Now, I am moving on.  You haven’t tried to find out if there is a friendship worth saving anyway.  Something I am not a stranger to.  People give up or people were complacent and never really wanted to try and that’s fine.  I get it.  I have been dealt those cards many times before.

Bottom line is, I put faith and trust into this friendship and there are very few relationships as a whole that I put anything into and I feel crushed.  It may mean nothing to you, I may just have been a person in passing and you may say that I am being over dramatic.  All of that may be true but it doesn’t change how this has affected me and it isn’t wrong to feel.  I won’t change my mind on that.

I could go on but I stop here for now.

Til Then,

Lee

To the Monkey

Dear Stephen,

Yesterday was four months since you passed away and I still can’t believe it.  I know we haven’t been on the best of terms in the last few years but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you or how you were doing or that I didn’t want to call you on every October 5th to wish you a happy birthday.

The last time we spoke was not the best of conversations and I have to admit that you did frighten me because your behavior had become so erratic.  For my own safety,  I felt it was best to keep our distance but now that you are gone, I wish that we didn’t.

I cried a lot over your passing, I am sure you saw.  It was hard to really come to the realization that you were gone.   John, Chris and I stayed up all night to create three huge collages for your wake, it was nice to see you smiling in those pictures and good to reminisce about all the good times we shared with you.  It meant a lot to me to make those collages for you and I am so happy I was able to show you off.

I have no doubt that living with Cystic Fibrosis was difficult.  I couldn’t even imagine what you must have went through everyday coping with it.  You are truly an inspiration to all though, you never let it stop you from living.  You lived on the edge and sometimes it was damn close to the edge but you never let it stop you and so many people are so proud of you for that.

I know that we had many ups and downs in the time that we knew each other but I am so grateful that I met you, that I knew you, that I loved you.  I know I did some hurtful things and I am sure you know now how badly I feel about it and I know that the things you did in return were in anger as well and I forgive you, of course.

We had some really good times, too.  Stephen, you taught me a lot when I met you and you taught me a lot more when you left.  We I met you, I was 19 years old and confused about who I was and who I wanted to be.  You made me see who I was and made me realize that is who I wanted to be.  You let me enjoy the simple things I always wanted to enjoy but I was always people who judged me.  You watched The Cosby Show with me every night, you stayed over until I was falling asleep, you would always surprise me with thought things and when you looked at me, I knew you really cared.  I’ll never forget one spring evening, we went to a park and you pushed me on the swings and you just enjoyed the moment with me.  That day I realized that I was okay.  It was okay to like simplicity, it was okay to enjoy life like this.  You used to drive down from Maryland every weekend and stay over my dad’s house just so we could see each other while you were away at school.  You always made a big effort to be with me and you tried so hard to make me happy during that time.

My heart tightens in my chest when I think about how I won’t be able to randomly bump into you somewhere anymore.  Twenty-seven years old, that hurts but I don’t thinking about you and your life and the impact that you made on me.  I am sorry we never had a chance to say goodbye and that the goodbyes we had a few years ago were not the greatest.  I know that you are watching and I know that you know how I feel.  I hope you are happy, content and have the heavy weight lifted off your shoulders.  I have so much to say but I will save it for the next letter I send to you.

Til then,

“Yea Yea” Lisa

To Mother, Letter 8

Dear Mother,

I had a dream about you two nights ago, it was sad.  You had been shot twice and rushed to the hospital and someone in my dream was telling me that I would regret not going but I didn’t want to see you, I didn’t want to know you were even in there.  I was upset though, I knew in my heart I didn’t want you to die, I just wanted to coexist but I never wanted to wish any harm on you.  I found myself hysterically crying and emotionally conflicted in the dream.  I woke up crying in the  middle of the night and it stayed with me that day.  It was hard for me to make out what the dream actually meant but I can try to take a guess.

As much as you have broken my heart and apparently continue to do so with your absence and harsh words, I guess the good in me, doesn’t want you to die.  You may say that I am dead to you but I know you don’t mean it.  It would be impossible for you to forget about a person that you delivered all those years ago.  I realized it’s not hate I feel but just heartache.  You truly hurt me so much all these years and you don’t even remember all the reasons why.  That’s okay, though.  I don’t like the person you are; I don’t think  you are well enough to be anyone else either but I don’t wish death upon you.  Straight from the subconscious world, you’ve heard it first.

Anger mixes in with the hurt so the lines are sometimes blurred, it is obvious we have both crossed those lines.  It is so painful to dream about you and feel all the same feelings that I felt so many years ago as if it was just happening now.  You will never allow yourself to acknowledge what you put me through because of your own unhappiness but I am glad to say that I am finally able to break those chains and be happy again.

So look, I don’t want you to die.  Isn’t that a miracle? I know you would be shocked since you think that I have as much hate in me as you do in your life but I don’t.  I am actually doing a lot better than you had hoped.  You failing me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because it make me work hard and appreciate everything I have today.

Lee

To Mother, Letter 7

Mother,

I awoke this morning to find yet another email waiting in my inbox stating an unspoken apology.  Trying to convince me that the words you wrote previously were uncalled for, not who you are and was wrong.  You are right.  You were wrong and always have been.  But throughout this letter, still you are blaming me for the relationship that we don’t have and I don’t think that is fair in the least.  You still blame my father for it too and no one told you to abandon your children.

Everyone is entitled to live their lives happily and in accordance to their vision and if you were unhappy with my father that is your right to divorce him.  My issues do not lie there.  My issues are from when I was a 14-year-old girl and you made me lie to my father about where you were, you left me in someone’s room while you hung around downstairs with strange, unfamiliar men, you threatened if I didn’t lie that I would be punished, you tried to pull me down a flight of stairs, you lunged at me in a fit of rage when I couldn’t lie and hurt my father anymore about what you had been doing and you screamed that I had betrayed you.  I was 14 years old and afraid of what you would do to my life if I didn’t listen and you forced me to tag along on your ventures.  I had to harbor in the guilt and pain of knowing that I was lying to my dad, telling him we were at the mall when we were not, I was hiding upstairs while you were entertained by people I did not know.  I used to be anxious and afraid to come home after school, not knowing if you thought I may have slipped up and I couldn’t trust that I was safe around you anymore.

You seem to forget the first time you left for a few nights, you called the house finally, to say that you were okay.  I begged and pleaded for you to come home.  I will never forget that day.  It was the last day I showed you vulnerability, the last time I wanted to have you as my mother and you said no.  I shut down after that day.  These are the days that you forget.  You write me an email telling me that it is my fault that I don’t want a relationship with you but I never wanted you to put me under those circumstances as a child.  I never wanted to lose my mother.  I never did anything in my life to deserve the pain you inflicted on me.  Yet, somehow you tell me that all that I have stated is my fault, that my father, myself and my brother are responsible for all of your actions.  You write that you have given up and you will move on to live out the best of what’s left of your life.  You want me to feel sorry for you but yet you have never apologized or admitted that your actions were terribly wrong.  You have never taken responsibility and owned up to anything you have done thus far.  I don’t believe you and I don’t trust you.  I wish that I never had to remember you existed but it is a catch 22 because without your existence, I would not be here.

Please stay away this time.  Mean what you say, when you wrote that you will give up and stop pretending that you’re a mother to two children you haven’t seen in almost 14 years.  We are adults now, yet you haven’t progressed since the day you left and that is so very sad.

Lee