Tag Archives: friendship

To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern,

It has been some time since we last spoke and I was pretty upset with you when we did.  I guess the reason for the argument was not the real reason for the falling out.  I never intended to not have you here as a friend.  The fact that you have went unphased by the end of our communication makes me feel sad.  Not only sad but stupid.  Stupid because maybe the value I had put on the friendship had been greater than the value you had put on it.  Maybe I misjudged the relationship.

With that said, let me just clarify that I know that I am not a perfect friend.  I am flakey because I am anxious and a commitment phobe.  I break plans a lot because I get tired, lazy or nervous about nothing.  I try to be a good listener but I am not good at it which is something I always expressed to you.  You didn’t really like to talk about your issues anyway so i thought we both agreed that it was a good fit.  I talk and you listen,  I try to listen and you try to talk.  I don’t know, I thought it worked, at least for a while.

I tried to be there for you even when you wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong.  I was very open and blunt about my opinions on your decisions, not because I wanted to make you feel bad or hurt you but because if I didn’t tell you exactly what I felt about it, I would feel like I wasn’t being true to you or our friendship.  I feel a friend should tell you want you need to hear not what you want to hear.

I know I have my faults and I am the type of person to admit when I am making a mistake.  I would never give you 100% of the blame for the weirdness that had come between us.  I have tried to figure out for months where things changed.  What went wrong?  Did I change?  Did you change?  Did we just grow apart as people just naturally tend to do?

Was it insecurities?  Was it something I had that you wanted or was it something you had that I wanted?  I always admired your “don’t give a fuck” attitude.  I hated that I worried about everything so much and you could just brush everything off your shoulders.  I wanted that quality and it was so frustrating to watch everything roll off of you, even now.  Maybe I was jealous of that.  I can admit that.  We are human beings, there is no way in hell that friends can’t be jealous of what the other might possess.  I am strong enough to admit that.

I miss the laughs, I miss the really really long, good conversations.  The real ones, though.  The ones without the hard shell mask.  The walks, the talks, the times we sat in the car and would bullshit for hours about everyone and everything.  Our Full Circle.  The times where I knew you had my back and you weren’t trying to make jokes at my expense.  Towards the end, I started to do the same.  I’ll admit that.  Why not?  I was being dished that.

All that I say, doesn’t make me correct but it is just statements of how I felt and feel.  Now, I am moving on.  You haven’t tried to find out if there is a friendship worth saving anyway.  Something I am not a stranger to.  People give up or people were complacent and never really wanted to try and that’s fine.  I get it.  I have been dealt those cards many times before.

Bottom line is, I put faith and trust into this friendship and there are very few relationships as a whole that I put anything into and I feel crushed.  It may mean nothing to you, I may just have been a person in passing and you may say that I am being over dramatic.  All of that may be true but it doesn’t change how this has affected me and it isn’t wrong to feel.  I won’t change my mind on that.

I could go on but I stop here for now.

Til Then,

Lee

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To the Monkey

Dear Stephen,

Yesterday was four months since you passed away and I still can’t believe it.  I know we haven’t been on the best of terms in the last few years but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you or how you were doing or that I didn’t want to call you on every October 5th to wish you a happy birthday.

The last time we spoke was not the best of conversations and I have to admit that you did frighten me because your behavior had become so erratic.  For my own safety,  I felt it was best to keep our distance but now that you are gone, I wish that we didn’t.

I cried a lot over your passing, I am sure you saw.  It was hard to really come to the realization that you were gone.   John, Chris and I stayed up all night to create three huge collages for your wake, it was nice to see you smiling in those pictures and good to reminisce about all the good times we shared with you.  It meant a lot to me to make those collages for you and I am so happy I was able to show you off.

I have no doubt that living with Cystic Fibrosis was difficult.  I couldn’t even imagine what you must have went through everyday coping with it.  You are truly an inspiration to all though, you never let it stop you from living.  You lived on the edge and sometimes it was damn close to the edge but you never let it stop you and so many people are so proud of you for that.

I know that we had many ups and downs in the time that we knew each other but I am so grateful that I met you, that I knew you, that I loved you.  I know I did some hurtful things and I am sure you know now how badly I feel about it and I know that the things you did in return were in anger as well and I forgive you, of course.

We had some really good times, too.  Stephen, you taught me a lot when I met you and you taught me a lot more when you left.  We I met you, I was 19 years old and confused about who I was and who I wanted to be.  You made me see who I was and made me realize that is who I wanted to be.  You let me enjoy the simple things I always wanted to enjoy but I was always people who judged me.  You watched The Cosby Show with me every night, you stayed over until I was falling asleep, you would always surprise me with thought things and when you looked at me, I knew you really cared.  I’ll never forget one spring evening, we went to a park and you pushed me on the swings and you just enjoyed the moment with me.  That day I realized that I was okay.  It was okay to like simplicity, it was okay to enjoy life like this.  You used to drive down from Maryland every weekend and stay over my dad’s house just so we could see each other while you were away at school.  You always made a big effort to be with me and you tried so hard to make me happy during that time.

My heart tightens in my chest when I think about how I won’t be able to randomly bump into you somewhere anymore.  Twenty-seven years old, that hurts but I don’t thinking about you and your life and the impact that you made on me.  I am sorry we never had a chance to say goodbye and that the goodbyes we had a few years ago were not the greatest.  I know that you are watching and I know that you know how I feel.  I hope you are happy, content and have the heavy weight lifted off your shoulders.  I have so much to say but I will save it for the next letter I send to you.

Til then,

“Yea Yea” Lisa

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