To the Monkey

Dear Stephen,

Yesterday was four months since you passed away and I still can’t believe it.  I know we haven’t been on the best of terms in the last few years but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you or how you were doing or that I didn’t want to call you on every October 5th to wish you a happy birthday.

The last time we spoke was not the best of conversations and I have to admit that you did frighten me because your behavior had become so erratic.  For my own safety,  I felt it was best to keep our distance but now that you are gone, I wish that we didn’t.

I cried a lot over your passing, I am sure you saw.  It was hard to really come to the realization that you were gone.   John, Chris and I stayed up all night to create three huge collages for your wake, it was nice to see you smiling in those pictures and good to reminisce about all the good times we shared with you.  It meant a lot to me to make those collages for you and I am so happy I was able to show you off.

I have no doubt that living with Cystic Fibrosis was difficult.  I couldn’t even imagine what you must have went through everyday coping with it.  You are truly an inspiration to all though, you never let it stop you from living.  You lived on the edge and sometimes it was damn close to the edge but you never let it stop you and so many people are so proud of you for that.

I know that we had many ups and downs in the time that we knew each other but I am so grateful that I met you, that I knew you, that I loved you.  I know I did some hurtful things and I am sure you know now how badly I feel about it and I know that the things you did in return were in anger as well and I forgive you, of course.

We had some really good times, too.  Stephen, you taught me a lot when I met you and you taught me a lot more when you left.  We I met you, I was 19 years old and confused about who I was and who I wanted to be.  You made me see who I was and made me realize that is who I wanted to be.  You let me enjoy the simple things I always wanted to enjoy but I was always people who judged me.  You watched The Cosby Show with me every night, you stayed over until I was falling asleep, you would always surprise me with thought things and when you looked at me, I knew you really cared.  I’ll never forget one spring evening, we went to a park and you pushed me on the swings and you just enjoyed the moment with me.  That day I realized that I was okay.  It was okay to like simplicity, it was okay to enjoy life like this.  You used to drive down from Maryland every weekend and stay over my dad’s house just so we could see each other while you were away at school.  You always made a big effort to be with me and you tried so hard to make me happy during that time.

My heart tightens in my chest when I think about how I won’t be able to randomly bump into you somewhere anymore.  Twenty-seven years old, that hurts but I don’t thinking about you and your life and the impact that you made on me.  I am sorry we never had a chance to say goodbye and that the goodbyes we had a few years ago were not the greatest.  I know that you are watching and I know that you know how I feel.  I hope you are happy, content and have the heavy weight lifted off your shoulders.  I have so much to say but I will save it for the next letter I send to you.

Til then,

“Yea Yea” Lisa

To Mother, Letter 8

Dear Mother,

I had a dream about you two nights ago, it was sad.  You had been shot twice and rushed to the hospital and someone in my dream was telling me that I would regret not going but I didn’t want to see you, I didn’t want to know you were even in there.  I was upset though, I knew in my heart I didn’t want you to die, I just wanted to coexist but I never wanted to wish any harm on you.  I found myself hysterically crying and emotionally conflicted in the dream.  I woke up crying in the  middle of the night and it stayed with me that day.  It was hard for me to make out what the dream actually meant but I can try to take a guess.

As much as you have broken my heart and apparently continue to do so with your absence and harsh words, I guess the good in me, doesn’t want you to die.  You may say that I am dead to you but I know you don’t mean it.  It would be impossible for you to forget about a person that you delivered all those years ago.  I realized it’s not hate I feel but just heartache.  You truly hurt me so much all these years and you don’t even remember all the reasons why.  That’s okay, though.  I don’t like the person you are; I don’t think  you are well enough to be anyone else either but I don’t wish death upon you.  Straight from the subconscious world, you’ve heard it first.

Anger mixes in with the hurt so the lines are sometimes blurred, it is obvious we have both crossed those lines.  It is so painful to dream about you and feel all the same feelings that I felt so many years ago as if it was just happening now.  You will never allow yourself to acknowledge what you put me through because of your own unhappiness but I am glad to say that I am finally able to break those chains and be happy again.

So look, I don’t want you to die.  Isn’t that a miracle? I know you would be shocked since you think that I have as much hate in me as you do in your life but I don’t.  I am actually doing a lot better than you had hoped.  You failing me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because it make me work hard and appreciate everything I have today.

Lee

To Mother, Letter 7

Mother,

I awoke this morning to find yet another email waiting in my inbox stating an unspoken apology.  Trying to convince me that the words you wrote previously were uncalled for, not who you are and was wrong.  You are right.  You were wrong and always have been.  But throughout this letter, still you are blaming me for the relationship that we don’t have and I don’t think that is fair in the least.  You still blame my father for it too and no one told you to abandon your children.

Everyone is entitled to live their lives happily and in accordance to their vision and if you were unhappy with my father that is your right to divorce him.  My issues do not lie there.  My issues are from when I was a 14-year-old girl and you made me lie to my father about where you were, you left me in someone’s room while you hung around downstairs with strange, unfamiliar men, you threatened if I didn’t lie that I would be punished, you tried to pull me down a flight of stairs, you lunged at me in a fit of rage when I couldn’t lie and hurt my father anymore about what you had been doing and you screamed that I had betrayed you.  I was 14 years old and afraid of what you would do to my life if I didn’t listen and you forced me to tag along on your ventures.  I had to harbor in the guilt and pain of knowing that I was lying to my dad, telling him we were at the mall when we were not, I was hiding upstairs while you were entertained by people I did not know.  I used to be anxious and afraid to come home after school, not knowing if you thought I may have slipped up and I couldn’t trust that I was safe around you anymore.

You seem to forget the first time you left for a few nights, you called the house finally, to say that you were okay.  I begged and pleaded for you to come home.  I will never forget that day.  It was the last day I showed you vulnerability, the last time I wanted to have you as my mother and you said no.  I shut down after that day.  These are the days that you forget.  You write me an email telling me that it is my fault that I don’t want a relationship with you but I never wanted you to put me under those circumstances as a child.  I never wanted to lose my mother.  I never did anything in my life to deserve the pain you inflicted on me.  Yet, somehow you tell me that all that I have stated is my fault, that my father, myself and my brother are responsible for all of your actions.  You write that you have given up and you will move on to live out the best of what’s left of your life.  You want me to feel sorry for you but yet you have never apologized or admitted that your actions were terribly wrong.  You have never taken responsibility and owned up to anything you have done thus far.  I don’t believe you and I don’t trust you.  I wish that I never had to remember you existed but it is a catch 22 because without your existence, I would not be here.

Please stay away this time.  Mean what you say, when you wrote that you will give up and stop pretending that you’re a mother to two children you haven’t seen in almost 14 years.  We are adults now, yet you haven’t progressed since the day you left and that is so very sad.

Lee

To Mother, Letter 6

Dear Mother,

I have certainly made a big mistake yesterday.  I do not necessarily feel apologetic towards you but more towards myself.  I let my emotions react and didn’t process why I became angry.  I asked you to please not contact me and pose as my mother, steal pictures off social networks and pretend you were any sort of mother to me or my brother.  I told you that my mother had died because figuratively, she has.  We haven’t had a relationship in 13 years, yet you celebrate Mother’s Day as if you deserve to.  I guess that is why I reacted.  But your response was entirely uncalled for.

“antoinettef….@…..com 6:31 PM (21 hours ago) to me 

“You ungrateful little shit I carried you for nine months gave you life all your precious father gave you was his sperm to create you…I hope you never experience what people have experienced with a man like you father…you have no effin clue how he hurt me all those years…dont look at my page and pictures, if i want a picture of my so called children then I can have them…you ass…your such a ungrateful piece of shit, I hope you will never regret these words…u will never admit how I took care of you and u denied me the rest, I WALKED OUT ON YOUR FATHER….AND FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER ALLOWED ME BACK IN!!!!!!!  You can not denied I have tried in numerous of ways to make this right between us…Now you know what I wish for you,,, You daughter will break your heart to pieces one day….and when that time comes…I want u to remember those words you said to me….Im dead….well someday your going to eat those words…because u know why…there is a God, God will allow you to see the pain you cause your mother…remember me that day when your child betrays you…remember me that day and when u do, you will know and feel the pain…I am so done caring about you…your were my biggest mistake…wished I never had a child like you…your an evil human that belongs to satan himself…no human has a heart like you..good luck in your sad sad life.   Remember one more thing…remember these words Lisa when your husband will give you your first crack across your face just like you precious father cracked me over and over again, even when you were in my stomach at 4 months pregnant…things u chose not to know but a reality to me and haunts me for the rest of my life…he can deny it all he wants but when it comes to judgement day, he will be judge like the rest of us…me included as a sinner..and you for the hurt u have caused me over and over…dont reply cause I cant stand you anymore…i am so done with u..in my eyes your dead!!!!   Stay the fuck off my facebook page you little piece of shit!!””

I am so disturbed by the behavior set forth from a 51 year old woman who abandoned her two children 13 years ago.  Your accusations against the man who raised me, my dad, yea, a judge in the court of law deemed you mentally unstable to obtain custody of your children and were only granted visitation in a public place with adult supervision.  In which, you came to visit once.  Not to mention, a diary entry signed by you stating, that my father never once laid a hand on you and that was also used against you in court as you were lying under oath.  You are lying to justify your actions.  It is human nature.

I digress.  Not that I would ever need to defend my precious father or our family name, because as you say God does know.  And maybe I shouldn’t be so angry after all these years over an illness that you obviously can not control.  I should feel more sad for you, that you mix up you childhood with mine.  I am sorry your father abused your mother mentally and physically and your mind wasn’t able to properly process that, in turn you relived it through my life.  That is so sad.  It really is a shame that no matter how much time has passed you were never able to seek the help that you truly need.

Under no circumstance was your letter appropriate or sane.  You gave me life, you gave me a true sense of abandonment and then you wish me pain still, 13 years later.  God is good and I will endure all the pain you wish to throw at me if it means that I will never have to be subjected to you ever again.  I will do that for you.  I will take your anger and frustration if it means you leave me alone until the day of your last breath because unlike you, I am not selfish and I have empathy.  Also, I am strong and I survived through your mistakes and it made me a way better person than you’ll be on the day of your death and I thank you, mother.  I thank you for helping me become so far from the woman you are and so close to the father I have.  He gave up his life, his freedoms and his time to ensure that my brother and I received a great education, experience family the way you never have, and made sure that though you couldn’t love us that he could and it is unconditional.

It is a shame that you will never experience a best friend like the one only a mother could have with her daughter.  You will never experience being a grandmother to the grandchildren you have already damned verbally.  And I thank you for being all that you are because it continues to make me all that I am.  Your words are sad.  They don’t pierce even the surface of my skin, in all your efforts to try, you aren’t strong because a strong person admits the damage they have done and apologizes, owns up to it and moves on.  You are truly the saddest and most helpless person I have ever been in contact within the 28 years of my life and I am so sorry that you weren’t able to help yourself.

But I am so grateful that I had you to show me exactly how I never wish to be.

Lee