Tag Archives: abandonment

To Mother, Letter 6

Dear Mother,

I have certainly made a big mistake yesterday.  I do not necessarily feel apologetic towards you but more towards myself.  I let my emotions react and didn’t process why I became angry.  I asked you to please not contact me and pose as my mother, steal pictures off social networks and pretend you were any sort of mother to me or my brother.  I told you that my mother had died because figuratively, she has.  We haven’t had a relationship in 13 years, yet you celebrate Mother’s Day as if you deserve to.  I guess that is why I reacted.  But your response was entirely uncalled for.

antoinettef….@…..com 6:31 PM (21 hours ago) to me 

“You ungrateful little shit I carried you for nine months gave you life all your precious father gave you was his sperm to create you…I hope you never experience what people have experienced with a man like you father…you have no effin clue how he hurt me all those years…dont look at my page and pictures, if i want a picture of my so called children then I can have them…you ass…your such a ungrateful piece of shit, I hope you will never regret these words…u will never admit how I took care of you and u denied me the rest, I WALKED OUT ON YOUR FATHER….AND FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER ALLOWED ME BACK IN!!!!!!!  You can not denied I have tried in numerous of ways to make this right between us…Now you know what I wish for you,,, You daughter will break your heart to pieces one day….and when that time comes…I want u to remember those words you said to me….Im dead….well someday your going to eat those words…because u know why…there is a God, God will allow you to see the pain you cause your mother…remember me that day when your child betrays you…remember me that day and when u do, you will know and feel the pain…I am so done caring about you…your were my biggest mistake…wished I never had a child like you…your an evil human that belongs to satan himself…no human has a heart like you..good luck in your sad sad life.   Remember one more thing…remember these words Lisa when your husband will give you your first crack across your face just like you precious father cracked me over and over again, even when you were in my stomach at 4 months pregnant…things u chose not to know but a reality to me and haunts me for the rest of my life…he can deny it all he wants but when it comes to judgement day, he will be judge like the rest of us…me included as a sinner..and you for the hurt u have caused me over and over…dont reply cause I cant stand you anymore…i am so done with u..in my eyes your dead!!!!   Stay the fuck off my facebook page you little piece of shit!!””

I am so disturbed by the behavior set forth from a 51 year old woman who abandoned her two children 13 years ago.  Your accusations against the man who raised me, my dad, yea, a judge in the court of law deemed you mentally unstable to obtain custody of your children and were only granted visitation in a public place with adult supervision.  In which, you came to visit once.  Not to mention, a diary entry signed by you stating, that my father never once laid a hand on you and that was also used against you in court as you were lying under oath.  You are lying to justify your actions.  It is human nature.

I digress.  Not that I would ever need to defend my precious father or our family name, because as you say God does know.  And maybe I shouldn’t be so angry after all these years over an illness that you obviously can not control.  I should feel more sad for you, that you mix up you childhood with mine.  I am sorry your father abused your mother mentally and physically and your mind wasn’t able to properly process that, in turn you relived it through my life.  That is so sad.  It really is a shame that no matter how much time has passed you were never able to seek the help that you truly need.

Under no circumstance was your letter appropriate or sane.  You gave me life, you gave me a true sense of abandonment and then you wish me pain still, 13 years later.  God is good and I will endure all the pain you wish to throw at me if it means that I will never have to be subjected to you ever again.  I will do that for you.  I will take your anger and frustration if it means you leave me alone until the day of your last breath because unlike you, I am not selfish and I have empathy.  Also, I am strong and I survived through your mistakes and it made me a way better person than you’ll be on the day of your death and I thank you, mother.  I thank you for helping me become so far from the woman you are and so close to the father I have.  He gave up his life, his freedoms and his time to ensure that my brother and I received a great education, experience family the way you never have, and made sure that though you couldn’t love us that he could and it is unconditional.

It is a shame that you will never experience a best friend like the one only a mother could have with her daughter.  You will never experience being a grandmother to the grandchildren you have already damned verbally.  And I thank you for being all that you are because it continues to make me all that I am.  Your words are sad.  They don’t pierce even the surface of my skin, in all your efforts to try, you aren’t strong because a strong person admits the damage they have done and apologizes, owns up to it and moves on.  You are truly the saddest and most helpless person I have ever been in contact within the 28 years of my life and I am so sorry that you weren’t able to help yourself.

But I am so grateful that I had you to show me exactly how I never wish to be.

Lee

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To Mother, Letter 3

Dear Mother,

I know I cannot blame you for everything I feel.  I am well aware that I need to take ownership of the things that I do or have done.  But I can’t ignore, the events that you were involved in, setting a tone for the rest of my life.

I am an adult now, I am passed the stage of anger, hate or any feelings associated with that.  I don’t need to hate you or be angry at you for the simple reason that it doesn’t satisfy me, justify my feelings or undo all that has been done.  I am not sure what it is I actually do feel because I don’t think it is sadness.  It is more of a constant anxiety that refuses to let up.

Unfortunately, as many years that can pass, I can’t forget who you are.  I can’t go on with my life as if you never existed.  For the sole reason, that without you unfortunately, I would not be me.  My soul would be made up and constructed differently.  My life may not have even been given a chance.

I am just confused about what I feel.  I know that the turn of events have jaded how I live on a daily basis.  Small ounces of nothings, make me crazy.  Anxiety attacks for no reason.  Separation anxiety, sleeping disorders, years and decades of nightmares, not being able to trust ANYONE and without an inkling of exaggeration, unable to feel happiness.  My relationships suffer in every way.  I have no self.  My focus is to be one up and a step ahead, I am guessing because it was complete shock losing you.  I wasn’t prepared.  Now I am forever preparing for the worst to come and I am missing out on now.  I can’t allow myself to enjoy my life.  And even though I am aware of all of this, I am having the most difficult time overcoming it all.

You think you can justify your being content by telling everyone I hate you.  I deny you.  I refuse you and any type of relationship.  You think that you can justify the act of abandonment with your own feelings of sorrow and guilt.  That, I can tell you may work for you and your surroundings but it will never erase the damage you have done to me.  How can you even assume how I feel?  The last time you knew me I was 14 years old and at that time you barely knew yourself.  Is that fair for you to assume how I am feeling at any moment in your life towards you when I haven’t had nearly enough interactions with you to determine that?

I can’t deny the disappointment I have for not having a mother yet having one that lives and breathes a separate life.  I had to go through the hardest years of a young girls life with no womanly influence.  My dad, your first ex husband, did the best he possibly could but you already knew that he would since you left him no choice but to raise us and closed the door to any opportunity to have a relationship with me or your son.  You missed my teenage years, you missed my questions about dating, sex, teaching me to have self-esteem and respect for myself, showing me it was okay to be who I was.  I was forced to learn on my own and make many mistakes.  Mistakes that I live with, not you.  You think that one moment in your life, you made a mistake but it is over now.  The reason why it lives on, is because it shaped me as a person, how I interact with people of any gender and how I cope with everyday life.

You couldn’t even appreciate having a daughter and treating me like your mother never treated you.  You could have broken the cycle.  You were disappointed in your mother for being weak-minded and distant because she didn’t know any better.  You could have learned from that and strive to do better.  Just like I plan to do, if I can ever trust myself to have a child.  The fear of repeating history is stronger now than ever before.   And tell me, how can you justify how I feel to benefit you in any way?  Please tell me.  Your actions impacted my life in more ways than you will ever be able to imagine.  I am tired of living with this yet I can’t let go until I get BETTER.  And believe me I am working on getting better.  I am trying every path and every outlet and I will continue until I get it right.

You told me no one will love me.  Why do I believe you?

Lee


To Mother, Letter 2

Dear Mother,

I used to dream about you every night after you left.  I would always want to hurt you and it was always the same dream.  As I got older, the dreams became less but they still occurred.  Only then, I would dream that things were fine and we were a family and that you were normal.  Until mid dream, my subconscious would remember all the pain you caused and I would lash out at you and go crazy.  Sometimes I think those were worse because it was constantly replaying how were there and then you were gone.

When you left, I was 14 years old.  The few weeks before your departure was hell.  You were a completely different person.  You were no longer a mom but just an individual that I once knew.  Your actions were drastic and so uncharacteristic of you.  You put me in unfit positions for your own self gain and even now you still don’t realize how wrong it was.  I will give you the examples that back this up.

You used to make me lie to my dad for you.  You would take me along with you to hang out at a friend’s house but you would make me tell my dad we were browsing at the mall.  Your friend had been a mutual friend of you and my dad’s and she had been recently widowed.  I had known her children since I was born which wasn’t a big deal when we went there.  But on one occasion specifically,  the children had already gone to the movies and for whatever reason I was not invited.  We went over to their house and you had instructed me to go upstairs and that I could use the phone to call my at the time boyfriend and talk on the phone for however long I wanted.  When I came down, to my surprise two men were there that I had never seen before and even then I thought they were sleazy looking but I had no say in the matter.  I was polite.  You threatened me not to tell my dad about this.  This kind of behavior got worse and worse.  The more you wanted to hang out, the more you would use me as an excuse to get out and which of course led to me being threaten to lie to my dad.

At this point, American Online 3.0 had been the biggest thing to hit America.  The internet.  I remember the feeling I got the first time I made a screen name and an instant message popped up.  It was so weird to actually see someone communicating through a screen but I digress.  You began to use the internet, email and instant message for hours and made dates at certain times to do so.  No one was allowed to be anywhere near you while you did whatever you were doing online.  That is when the phone began to ring once and if I answered, hang up and ring again.  You would immediately pick up and it was only for you.  One time I couldn’t take that you were on the computer so much, because I couldn’t even talk to you at all at this point.  You were so consumed with this other life, that I had begged my dad to get rid of the internet and he wanted to also.  He saw the changes but he didn’t know the extent.  You and I had a fight on night and I had a half a day from school the next day.  I remember being so scared to come home.  I came home and you told me if I would have went against you and told my dad, that you would have taken every thing away from me, phone privileges, seeing my friends, seeing my boyfriend and having any kind of life at 14.  I had to submit to you and say that I would never have down that.  I had so much anxiety coming home everyday because I never knew what would happen next.

I didn’t know you at all anymore which led me to believe maybe I had never known you at all.  You will never know how much that confused me.   I came from you and I had, by default put all my trust in you, you were my mom.  You went from telling me as a little girl to always have a conscience, to know right from wrong to these brilliant words of wisdom when I was 14 years old, “If your going to have sex, make sure the guy uses a condom.”  What was I to think of that?  That’s the wisdom I remember you giving me in my first year of high school and entering a whole new world of relationships and hormones and everything else that occurs during those teenage years.  Do you think that was appropriate?  You taught me to use other people, to lie at the expense of others and for self gain and that sex was appropriate if I was being safe at any age.

I am not sure what I have to gain by writing this letter, I am sure that you will deny these fact to the day you die, but I remember every detail and it has shaped me unfortunately while you live your life guilt free and in denial.  This letter is not meant to throw accusations at you and re hash, it really is to show you on paper how your actions may have affected a young girl and sent her on a path of emotional destruction.  I know I have to own my own mistakes and not use you for the blame but I would like to think you left a helpful hand in my influence.

Second of many letters to come, mother.  Maybe this is how I will finally be able to let go.

Lee


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