To “Anyone Who Will Listen”,

I never thought I would be someone who stopped believing in love.  Well, romantic love.  The idea of it seems so unrealistic to me now.  I have no real hope in finding out if it could be real anymore.

You know, I am just really tired of giving control to other people, for letting them let me down.  For all the lies, the sneakiness, the selfishness and for me always feeling bad when I have a reaction to any of it.  I am done with feeling bad.

I thought I wanted to be alone.  Forever.  I don’t think I really want that either.  That is not to say that I believe in love.  But I really want someone to be there for me and be a partner.  Can a guy just “have my 6” ????  I mean, can you ride with me, have my back, be on my damn team, can I be worth not losing????  The guy who takes my side even when I am wrong but for the face of the team just defends me.

Seems like I am just a great temporary catch to most guys I have been in relationships with.  I am good friend.  I am nice person.  I am not life long material?   And don’t get me wrong, I am not speaking for all relationships, some I just destroyed all by myself but the ones, the ones that I gave my all to, those I can’t see why I couldn’t be enough.

Oh yea, I am supposed to tell myself, hey, you’re too good for him, he doesn’t deserve you, he is not worthy, he’s wrong, wrong, wrong!  Ha!  If it  was one guy, maybe that would work.  I am sick of proving how worthy I am to be a lifelong partner and then having someone tell me, “you know I do love you, but I am not ready and don’t know when I will be.   I don’t want to lose you but I have to let you go.”  That’s not verbatim for any one person but it’s a summary of what I have been hearing for quite some time.  Or the “but I was going to marry you in a year or two, why are you leaving.”  Oh, I don’t know because it has been like 3 years and you haven’t even mentioned that was in your time line EVER.  (Because it wasn’t).

What am I trying to say?  Nothing, I guess.  I am just venting.  I am feeling very overwhelmed the past few weeks and I can’t seem to get out of my own way.  Squash and I are broken up.  I gave it my best shot, it definitely wasn’t enough.  It’s okay, we are friends.  It is amicable.  It’s crazy gut wrenching and sad.   We live together and this has to be by far the hardest way to end a relationship but still live together.  I mean we are so fine with each other it’s not the problem.  For me, it is the issue of standing still that makes me so anxious.  Sure, I have been looking for apartments but it’s just that I haven’t found the right one that suites my space and my wallet.  No, it is not an excuse to prolong leaving, that I can assure you.  This is not easy for either of us.  It can get uneasy and uncomfortable for us both at times.  The lines are defined but blur.  It is just tough.

That’s all I got for now.

Later Dayz,





Dear God

Dear God,

I want to thank you for all the beautiful things that you have added to my life.  As I look outside the express bus window on my way to work every morning, some days I think about how lucky I am and other days I can feel distraught thinking about the things I don’t have.

Today, I take a step back.  One year ago today, my friend, a one time best friend, a one time boyfriend and one time enemy, passed away at 27 years old.  I can’t believe it’s a year already.  I can’t believe he is gone.  One thing I do know is that You, God, are with him and he is free of pain and hurt.

I feel sadness today in my heart, missing the friend I had, missing that sweet boy I know in my 20’s, regretting childish and irresponsible decisions I made at the time of our encounters.   I always pray and think, I hope Stephen knows that I never meant to hurt him when I did and that I was a dumb kid, not thinking.  I hope he knows that I do think about him and still can’t believe it’s a year and hate that I couldn’t even say goodbye.

God, this is my letter to you in hopes to relay the message to our monkey, Stephen Andrew Lipton.  I pray his soul rests in peace and he has the clarity to feel all the love of the people missing him in here on earth.  I hope he is smiling.

Thanks for taking care of our friend.

Love you always Lord,


Mother, Letter 9

Dear Mother,

Sometimes I feel like I need to see you because I need someone to blame for all the craziness I have inside my mind. Then I realize that would just make everything worse.

Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to hug you. I try to remember if you ever had love in your heart for me. I try to think about how it would feel to miss you even though I still harbor so much pain inside for you.

It’s crazy, I can’t let it go. I can’t let you go. Makes you happy, to know how conflicted you have made me. You feel important, I’m sure. My thoughts make you relevant every time you might feel that you start to fade out, I come back in and remind you how your actions forever affect my life. That’s powerful.

Is it that I just can’t grow up? I don’t want to let go because than I might have to take responsibility for my failures? Maybe.

Mom, I want hugs when I cry. I want to be taught how to be a good woman. I want to know how to, when to, with who to, and why to doing anything you were supposed to teach me.

I want the nurturing touch of a mother who loves me.

Why? Why was I not worth a hug?

To The Monkey 2

Dear Stephen,10a

Hey there.  Been thinking about you.  I know tomorrow’s your birthday and I wanted you to know I hadn’t forgotten.  I thought about bringing flowers to the cemetery where you rest.  But in my awkwardness, I don’t know where you are exactly and don’t want to be wondering around there alone.  I am sure you understand.

I hope the afterlife is treating you way better than life was here for you.  Even though, you had so many opportunities on earth I know that it was hard for you mentally.  I hope you are at peace.

This might seem crazy but last night you were in my dream.  We were talking and hanging out, the dream hasn’t come back to me fully but you grabbed my hand and held it and I swear I felt it in real life.  I woke up from the touch on my left hand and then you were gone.  It felt so real.  I still have this eerie feeling in my hand as if something is still in it too.  Some things you just can’t explain.

Sometimes, I smell you when I walk into a room and I automatically think you had just been there.  It is so weird how a smell can place you in a moment, in a time and bring someone right there with you even if they are not.

This is a short note for now.  Have a happy birthday in heaven.


Dearest Autumn

Dear Autumn,

September has arrived and without fail I get the same old feelings. The feel of wild summer’s end and falling into comfortability.

Last year at this time, I was breaking an old relationship and moving into my own apartment for the second time. It was a bigger place and somewhere I could start fresh. I love moving. It feels like letting go of the past.

Fall always feels like a new beginning for me. I am sure that is a common feeling for most because it is reminiscent of school starting its new year. I love how I feel when a subtle cool breeze touches my face. It bids farewell to the hot crazy days of summer and welcomes me with open arms for a chance to start over.

It is my favorite moment on earth. Seasons change and with it so do I. We live our life in seasons. Episodes of events and experience that soon pass us by and take us to our ultimate grand finale.

I am not ready for my series finale. I have so much I have to do in this life. I am going fight for everything I have ever dreamed of and never let life’s disruptions defeat me. I will not be defeated by pain as I thought I once would be.

Growing up is a process. It takes a long time to understand that you have a specific purpose. I will tell you it is very difficult to get there but I know once I finally figure it out, all my hardships and inner demons will have been worth every struggle and fight. I am a fighter. I feel weak but I overcome everything that comes at me.

What I feel that is most important in life is love. It is not the word so much as the action you use to display it with. I have so much love inside of me. I want to share it desperately in its most vulnerable state without being afraid of disappointment or abandonment. Sometimes it is difficult but sometimes it takes the right people in your life to show you that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.

So I welcome the beautiful colors of Autumn. Fall onto my face and fill me with complete happiness. Empty my mind of negativity and start anew. See love in its naked form and be free.

Thank you for seasons. Thank you Autumn. You are beautiful.

To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern,

It has been some time since we last spoke and I was pretty upset with you when we did.  I guess the reason for the argument was not the real reason for the falling out.  I never intended to not have you here as a friend.  The fact that you have went unphased by the end of our communication makes me feel sad.  Not only sad but stupid.  Stupid because maybe the value I had put on the friendship had been greater than the value you had put on it.  Maybe I misjudged the relationship.

With that said, let me just clarify that I know that I am not a perfect friend.  I am flakey because I am anxious and a commitment phobe.  I break plans a lot because I get tired, lazy or nervous about nothing.  I try to be a good listener but I am not good at it which is something I always expressed to you.  You didn’t really like to talk about your issues anyway so i thought we both agreed that it was a good fit.  I talk and you listen,  I try to listen and you try to talk.  I don’t know, I thought it worked, at least for a while.

I tried to be there for you even when you wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong.  I was very open and blunt about my opinions on your decisions, not because I wanted to make you feel bad or hurt you but because if I didn’t tell you exactly what I felt about it, I would feel like I wasn’t being true to you or our friendship.  I feel a friend should tell you want you need to hear not what you want to hear.

I know I have my faults and I am the type of person to admit when I am making a mistake.  I would never give you 100% of the blame for the weirdness that had come between us.  I have tried to figure out for months where things changed.  What went wrong?  Did I change?  Did you change?  Did we just grow apart as people just naturally tend to do?

Was it insecurities?  Was it something I had that you wanted or was it something you had that I wanted?  I always admired your “don’t give a fuck” attitude.  I hated that I worried about everything so much and you could just brush everything off your shoulders.  I wanted that quality and it was so frustrating to watch everything roll off of you, even now.  Maybe I was jealous of that.  I can admit that.  We are human beings, there is no way in hell that friends can’t be jealous of what the other might possess.  I am strong enough to admit that.

I miss the laughs, I miss the really really long, good conversations.  The real ones, though.  The ones without the hard shell mask.  The walks, the talks, the times we sat in the car and would bullshit for hours about everyone and everything.  Our Full Circle.  The times where I knew you had my back and you weren’t trying to make jokes at my expense.  Towards the end, I started to do the same.  I’ll admit that.  Why not?  I was being dished that.

All that I say, doesn’t make me correct but it is just statements of how I felt and feel.  Now, I am moving on.  You haven’t tried to find out if there is a friendship worth saving anyway.  Something I am not a stranger to.  People give up or people were complacent and never really wanted to try and that’s fine.  I get it.  I have been dealt those cards many times before.

Bottom line is, I put faith and trust into this friendship and there are very few relationships as a whole that I put anything into and I feel crushed.  It may mean nothing to you, I may just have been a person in passing and you may say that I am being over dramatic.  All of that may be true but it doesn’t change how this has affected me and it isn’t wrong to feel.  I won’t change my mind on that.

I could go on but I stop here for now.

Til Then,


To the Monkey

Dear Stephen,

Yesterday was four months since you passed away and I still can’t believe it.  I know we haven’t been on the best of terms in the last few years but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you or how you were doing or that I didn’t want to call you on every October 5th to wish you a happy birthday.

The last time we spoke was not the best of conversations and I have to admit that you did frighten me because your behavior had become so erratic.  For my own safety,  I felt it was best to keep our distance but now that you are gone, I wish that we didn’t.

I cried a lot over your passing, I am sure you saw.  It was hard to really come to the realization that you were gone.   John, Chris and I stayed up all night to create three huge collages for your wake, it was nice to see you smiling in those pictures and good to reminisce about all the good times we shared with you.  It meant a lot to me to make those collages for you and I am so happy I was able to show you off.

I have no doubt that living with Cystic Fibrosis was difficult.  I couldn’t even imagine what you must have went through everyday coping with it.  You are truly an inspiration to all though, you never let it stop you from living.  You lived on the edge and sometimes it was damn close to the edge but you never let it stop you and so many people are so proud of you for that.

I know that we had many ups and downs in the time that we knew each other but I am so grateful that I met you, that I knew you, that I loved you.  I know I did some hurtful things and I am sure you know now how badly I feel about it and I know that the things you did in return were in anger as well and I forgive you, of course.

We had some really good times, too.  Stephen, you taught me a lot when I met you and you taught me a lot more when you left.  We I met you, I was 19 years old and confused about who I was and who I wanted to be.  You made me see who I was and made me realize that is who I wanted to be.  You let me enjoy the simple things I always wanted to enjoy but I was always people who judged me.  You watched The Cosby Show with me every night, you stayed over until I was falling asleep, you would always surprise me with thought things and when you looked at me, I knew you really cared.  I’ll never forget one spring evening, we went to a park and you pushed me on the swings and you just enjoyed the moment with me.  That day I realized that I was okay.  It was okay to like simplicity, it was okay to enjoy life like this.  You used to drive down from Maryland every weekend and stay over my dad’s house just so we could see each other while you were away at school.  You always made a big effort to be with me and you tried so hard to make me happy during that time.

My heart tightens in my chest when I think about how I won’t be able to randomly bump into you somewhere anymore.  Twenty-seven years old, that hurts but I don’t thinking about you and your life and the impact that you made on me.  I am sorry we never had a chance to say goodbye and that the goodbyes we had a few years ago were not the greatest.  I know that you are watching and I know that you know how I feel.  I hope you are happy, content and have the heavy weight lifted off your shoulders.  I have so much to say but I will save it for the next letter I send to you.

Til then,

“Yea Yea” Lisa


To Mother, Letter 8

Dear Mother,

I had a dream about you two nights ago, it was sad.  You had been shot twice and rushed to the hospital and someone in my dream was telling me that I would regret not going but I didn’t want to see you, I didn’t want to know you were even in there.  I was upset though, I knew in my heart I didn’t want you to die, I just wanted to coexist but I never wanted to wish any harm on you.  I found myself hysterically crying and emotionally conflicted in the dream.  I woke up crying in the  middle of the night and it stayed with me that day.  It was hard for me to make out what the dream actually meant but I can try to take a guess.

As much as you have broken my heart and apparently continue to do so with your absence and harsh words, I guess the good in me, doesn’t want you to die.  You may say that I am dead to you but I know you don’t mean it.  It would be impossible for you to forget about a person that you delivered all those years ago.  I realized it’s not hate I feel but just heartache.  You truly hurt me so much all these years and you don’t even remember all the reasons why.  That’s okay, though.  I don’t like the person you are; I don’t think  you are well enough to be anyone else either but I don’t wish death upon you.  Straight from the subconscious world, you’ve heard it first.

Anger mixes in with the hurt so the lines are sometimes blurred, it is obvious we have both crossed those lines.  It is so painful to dream about you and feel all the same feelings that I felt so many years ago as if it was just happening now.  You will never allow yourself to acknowledge what you put me through because of your own unhappiness but I am glad to say that I am finally able to break those chains and be happy again.

So look, I don’t want you to die.  Isn’t that a miracle? I know you would be shocked since you think that I have as much hate in me as you do in your life but I don’t.  I am actually doing a lot better than you had hoped.  You failing me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because it make me work hard and appreciate everything I have today.


To Mother, Letter 7


I awoke this morning to find yet another email waiting in my inbox stating an unspoken apology.  Trying to convince me that the words you wrote previously were uncalled for, not who you are and was wrong.  You are right.  You were wrong and always have been.  But throughout this letter, still you are blaming me for the relationship that we don’t have and I don’t think that is fair in the least.  You still blame my father for it too and no one told you to abandon your children.

Everyone is entitled to live their lives happily and in accordance to their vision and if you were unhappy with my father that is your right to divorce him.  My issues do not lie there.  My issues are from when I was a 14-year-old girl and you made me lie to my father about where you were, you left me in someone’s room while you hung around downstairs with strange, unfamiliar men, you threatened if I didn’t lie that I would be punished, you tried to pull me down a flight of stairs, you lunged at me in a fit of rage when I couldn’t lie and hurt my father anymore about what you had been doing and you screamed that I had betrayed you.  I was 14 years old and afraid of what you would do to my life if I didn’t listen and you forced me to tag along on your ventures.  I had to harbor in the guilt and pain of knowing that I was lying to my dad, telling him we were at the mall when we were not, I was hiding upstairs while you were entertained by people I did not know.  I used to be anxious and afraid to come home after school, not knowing if you thought I may have slipped up and I couldn’t trust that I was safe around you anymore.

You seem to forget the first time you left for a few nights, you called the house finally, to say that you were okay.  I begged and pleaded for you to come home.  I will never forget that day.  It was the last day I showed you vulnerability, the last time I wanted to have you as my mother and you said no.  I shut down after that day.  These are the days that you forget.  You write me an email telling me that it is my fault that I don’t want a relationship with you but I never wanted you to put me under those circumstances as a child.  I never wanted to lose my mother.  I never did anything in my life to deserve the pain you inflicted on me.  Yet, somehow you tell me that all that I have stated is my fault, that my father, myself and my brother are responsible for all of your actions.  You write that you have given up and you will move on to live out the best of what’s left of your life.  You want me to feel sorry for you but yet you have never apologized or admitted that your actions were terribly wrong.  You have never taken responsibility and owned up to anything you have done thus far.  I don’t believe you and I don’t trust you.  I wish that I never had to remember you existed but it is a catch 22 because without your existence, I would not be here.

Please stay away this time.  Mean what you say, when you wrote that you will give up and stop pretending that you’re a mother to two children you haven’t seen in almost 14 years.  We are adults now, yet you haven’t progressed since the day you left and that is so very sad.


To Mother, Letter 6

Dear Mother,

I have certainly made a big mistake yesterday.  I do not necessarily feel apologetic towards you but more towards myself.  I let my emotions react and didn’t process why I became angry.  I asked you to please not contact me and pose as my mother, steal pictures off social networks and pretend you were any sort of mother to me or my brother.  I told you that my mother had died because figuratively, she has.  We haven’t had a relationship in 13 years, yet you celebrate Mother’s Day as if you deserve to.  I guess that is why I reacted.  But your response was entirely uncalled for.

antoinettef….@… 6:31 PM (21 hours ago) to me 

“You ungrateful little shit I carried you for nine months gave you life all your precious father gave you was his sperm to create you…I hope you never experience what people have experienced with a man like you father…you have no effin clue how he hurt me all those years…dont look at my page and pictures, if i want a picture of my so called children then I can have them…you ass…your such a ungrateful piece of shit, I hope you will never regret these words…u will never admit how I took care of you and u denied me the rest, I WALKED OUT ON YOUR FATHER….AND FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER ALLOWED ME BACK IN!!!!!!!  You can not denied I have tried in numerous of ways to make this right between us…Now you know what I wish for you,,, You daughter will break your heart to pieces one day….and when that time comes…I want u to remember those words you said to me….Im dead….well someday your going to eat those words…because u know why…there is a God, God will allow you to see the pain you cause your mother…remember me that day when your child betrays you…remember me that day and when u do, you will know and feel the pain…I am so done caring about you…your were my biggest mistake…wished I never had a child like you…your an evil human that belongs to satan himself…no human has a heart like you..good luck in your sad sad life.   Remember one more thing…remember these words Lisa when your husband will give you your first crack across your face just like you precious father cracked me over and over again, even when you were in my stomach at 4 months pregnant…things u chose not to know but a reality to me and haunts me for the rest of my life…he can deny it all he wants but when it comes to judgement day, he will be judge like the rest of us…me included as a sinner..and you for the hurt u have caused me over and over…dont reply cause I cant stand you anymore…i am so done with my eyes your dead!!!!   Stay the fuck off my facebook page you little piece of shit!!””

I am so disturbed by the behavior set forth from a 51 year old woman who abandoned her two children 13 years ago.  Your accusations against the man who raised me, my dad, yea, a judge in the court of law deemed you mentally unstable to obtain custody of your children and were only granted visitation in a public place with adult supervision.  In which, you came to visit once.  Not to mention, a diary entry signed by you stating, that my father never once laid a hand on you and that was also used against you in court as you were lying under oath.  You are lying to justify your actions.  It is human nature.

I digress.  Not that I would ever need to defend my precious father or our family name, because as you say God does know.  And maybe I shouldn’t be so angry after all these years over an illness that you obviously can not control.  I should feel more sad for you, that you mix up you childhood with mine.  I am sorry your father abused your mother mentally and physically and your mind wasn’t able to properly process that, in turn you relived it through my life.  That is so sad.  It really is a shame that no matter how much time has passed you were never able to seek the help that you truly need.

Under no circumstance was your letter appropriate or sane.  You gave me life, you gave me a true sense of abandonment and then you wish me pain still, 13 years later.  God is good and I will endure all the pain you wish to throw at me if it means that I will never have to be subjected to you ever again.  I will do that for you.  I will take your anger and frustration if it means you leave me alone until the day of your last breath because unlike you, I am not selfish and I have empathy.  Also, I am strong and I survived through your mistakes and it made me a way better person than you’ll be on the day of your death and I thank you, mother.  I thank you for helping me become so far from the woman you are and so close to the father I have.  He gave up his life, his freedoms and his time to ensure that my brother and I received a great education, experience family the way you never have, and made sure that though you couldn’t love us that he could and it is unconditional.

It is a shame that you will never experience a best friend like the one only a mother could have with her daughter.  You will never experience being a grandmother to the grandchildren you have already damned verbally.  And I thank you for being all that you are because it continues to make me all that I am.  Your words are sad.  They don’t pierce even the surface of my skin, in all your efforts to try, you aren’t strong because a strong person admits the damage they have done and apologizes, owns up to it and moves on.  You are truly the saddest and most helpless person I have ever been in contact within the 28 years of my life and I am so sorry that you weren’t able to help yourself.

But I am so grateful that I had you to show me exactly how I never wish to be.


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