Dear Mother,
I had a dream about you two nights ago, it was sad. You had been shot twice and rushed to the hospital and someone in my dream was telling me that I would regret not going but I didn’t want to see you, I didn’t want to know you were even in there. I was upset though, I knew in my heart I didn’t want you to die, I just wanted to coexist but I never wanted to wish any harm on you. I found myself hysterically crying and emotionally conflicted in the dream. I woke up crying in the middle of the night and it stayed with me that day. It was hard for me to make out what the dream actually meant but I can try to take a guess.
As much as you have broken my heart and apparently continue to do so with your absence and harsh words, I guess the good in me, doesn’t want you to die. You may say that I am dead to you but I know you don’t mean it. It would be impossible for you to forget about a person that you delivered all those years ago. I realized it’s not hate I feel but just heartache. You truly hurt me so much all these years and you don’t even remember all the reasons why. That’s okay, though. I don’t like the person you are; I don’t think you are well enough to be anyone else either but I don’t wish death upon you. Straight from the subconscious world, you’ve heard it first.
Anger mixes in with the hurt so the lines are sometimes blurred, it is obvious we have both crossed those lines. It is so painful to dream about you and feel all the same feelings that I felt so many years ago as if it was just happening now. You will never allow yourself to acknowledge what you put me through because of your own unhappiness but I am glad to say that I am finally able to break those chains and be happy again.
So look, I don’t want you to die. Isn’t that a miracle? I know you would be shocked since you think that I have as much hate in me as you do in your life but I don’t. I am actually doing a lot better than you had hoped. You failing me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because it make me work hard and appreciate everything I have today.
Lee
Words I Never Said 