Sometimes I feel like I need to see you because I need someone to blame for all the craziness I have inside my mind. Then I realize that would just make everything worse.
Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to hug you. I try to remember if you ever had love in your heart for me. I try to think about how it would feel to miss you even though I still harbor so much pain inside for you.
It’s crazy, I can’t let it go. I can’t let you go. Makes you happy, to know how conflicted you have made me. You feel important, I’m sure. My thoughts make you relevant every time you might feel that you start to fade out, I come back in and remind you how your actions forever affect my life. That’s powerful.
Is it that I just can’t grow up? I don’t want to let go because than I might have to take responsibility for my failures? Maybe.
Mom, I want hugs when I cry. I want to be taught how to be a good woman. I want to know how to, when to, with who to, and why to doing anything you were supposed to teach me.
I want the nurturing touch of a mother who loves me.
Why? Why was I not worth a hug?