Dear You,
Your mind has been really unsettling lately. I find that you are trying to be more positive but it is a very slow process. You are not working nearly as hard enough as you should be, in turn, no one is benefiting from you small attempt to do a little more than nothing. That is very annoying to you, to me, to all parties involved, honestly.
You are so unhappy with the way you look, these past 6 months, your raging lunatic attitude is really hindering and hiding all the best things about your life and the things you have. What the heck are you doing? You are so mad and disappointed about this weight gain but you eat like it’s your “last supper”. Duh! Get a grip. Okay, okay, so your 5 days in to your Weight Watchers diet and yes, you are feeling more motivated but you still crave such terrible food and you are thinking “how many points can I get away with today?” Horrible. That shouldn’t be the main focus, but vanity will get you, if you’re me.
I really have nothing else to really be upset about. I, of course would like a raise or promotion or a bonus or something already. Living paycheck to paycheck, worrying and calculating every purchase is an anxiety enabler. One can only pretend, it’s nothing to get that pair of shoes when inside they are sweating, wondering if that purchase will take money away from the next upcoming bill. And there is always another bill creeping up behind you.
You are disappointing to me and I am disappointing to you. I have picked up an ugly deadly sin. Envy. And envy looks hideous on any one who wears it. It is a very shitty feeling to have and even harder to admit that you have it. I am human though and susceptible to all things at one point or another. I can’t make one excuse for envy though. There is anything that can come of it besides consistent negativity and self loathing. Who wants to be that person? And better yet, who wants to around that person? You know that feeling when you aren’t happy with yourself, how you look, how you feel in your own skin and the frustrating fact that you can’t blame ANYONE in the world but yourself so instead of taking the blame, you want what someone else has and you hate that they possess it. You can even love that person, but you hate everything they possess only because it is a threat to you. Instead of being happy for that person, any person, you want them to feel as miserable as you EVEN though, it’s not really in your character to really feel this way. Envy is a sickness, it seeps in and it is something you need to identify and destroy at the first sight of it or it manifest. That can be a scary reality if it is not caught and killed off.
So, does this mean you are a terrible person because you let envy in? I’d like to think that if you are away of the issue, then you can work towards a process of making it go away. If you were just envious and doing hurtful things and were unaware of the damage you were causing then I would hold you way more accountable for those actions. But you a harboring the envy because you that it is wrong but it is seeping through in your actions unknowingly and that is way the issue lies. That is where there is a big problem. There is a big lack of gratitude and gratitude should be one of the first things you have towards everything in your life.
So, I am disappointed in you. You have given in to the temptation of envy. Envy feels good for no one. At what point, do you change your character? Through experience, through interaction or through pure selfishness? At the end of the day envy, is not thinking of what others have but more thinking of what you do not have. That is selfish. Selfish is something you never want to be and something you worked so hard at not being. Where do you stand now? Sixteen days before your 28th year and what do you have to show for it? An envious, overweight, unattractive woman? Self-hatred and loathing and without any appreciation for all that has been achieved in those years? It is shameful that even when you think you are making progress, you are actually jumping a few steps back.
Wake up and stop saying that you are going to reevaluate your life over and over but do nothing. Your words and your actions do not mean anything because nothing has come from it.
What are YOU doing? How much more time will YOU waste? Time is irrelevant but how much of YOU will you waste until the day it expires? Stop talking and start doing, please. I am begging you.
WAKE UP. The sun has risen.
Me
Words I Never Said 