Tag Archives: self-esteem

To You, From Me

Dear You, 

Your mind has been really unsettling lately.  I find that you are trying to be more positive but it is a very slow process.  You are not working nearly as hard enough as you should be, in turn, no one is benefiting from you small attempt to do a little more than nothing.  That is very annoying to you, to me, to all parties involved, honestly.  

You are so unhappy with the way you look, these past 6 months, your raging lunatic attitude is really hindering and hiding all the best things about your life and the things you have.  What the heck are you doing?  You are so mad and disappointed about this weight gain but you eat like it’s your “last supper”.  Duh!  Get a grip.  Okay, okay, so your 5 days in to your Weight Watchers diet and yes, you are feeling more motivated but you still crave such terrible food and you are thinking “how many points can I get away with today?”  Horrible.  That shouldn’t be the main focus, but vanity will get you, if you’re me.

I really have nothing else to really be upset about.  I, of course would like a raise or promotion or a bonus or something already.  Living paycheck to paycheck, worrying and calculating every purchase is an anxiety enabler.  One can only pretend, it’s nothing to get that pair of shoes when inside they are sweating, wondering if that purchase will take money away from the next upcoming bill.  And there is always another bill creeping up behind you.

You are disappointing to me and I am disappointing to you.  I have picked up an ugly deadly sin.  Envy.  And envy looks hideous on any one who wears it.  It is a very shitty feeling to have and even harder to admit that you have it.  I am human though and susceptible to all things at one point or another.  I can’t make one excuse for envy though.  There is anything that can come of it besides consistent negativity and self loathing.  Who wants to be that person?  And better yet, who wants to around that person?  You know that feeling when you aren’t happy with yourself, how you look, how you feel in your own skin and the frustrating fact that you can’t blame ANYONE in the world but yourself so instead of taking the blame, you want what someone else has and you hate that they possess it.  You can even love that person, but you hate everything they possess only because it is a threat to you.  Instead of being happy for that person, any person, you want them to feel as miserable as you EVEN though, it’s not really in your character to really feel this way.  Envy is a sickness, it seeps in and it is something you need to identify and destroy at the first sight of it or it manifest.  That can be a scary reality if it is not caught and killed off.

So, does this mean you are a terrible person because you let envy in?  I’d like to think that if you are away of the issue, then you can work towards a process of making it go away.  If you were just envious and doing hurtful things and were unaware of the damage you were causing then I would hold you way more accountable for those actions.  But you a harboring the envy because you that it is wrong but it is seeping through in your actions unknowingly and that is way the issue lies.  That is where there is a big problem.  There is a big lack of gratitude and gratitude should be one of the first things you have towards everything in your life.

So, I am disappointed in you.  You have given in to the temptation of envy.  Envy feels good for no one.  At what point, do you change your character?  Through experience, through interaction or through pure selfishness?  At the end of the day envy, is not thinking of what others have but more thinking of what you do not have.  That is selfish.  Selfish is something you never want to be and something you worked so hard at not being.  Where do you stand now?  Sixteen days before your 28th year and what do you have to show for it?  An envious, overweight, unattractive woman?  Self-hatred and loathing and without any appreciation for all that has been achieved in those years?  It is shameful that even when you think you are making progress, you are actually jumping a few steps back.  

Wake up and stop saying that you are going to reevaluate your life over and over but do nothing.  Your words and your actions do not mean anything because nothing has come from it.

What are YOU doing?  How much more time will YOU waste?  Time is irrelevant but how much of YOU will you waste until the day it expires?  Stop talking and start doing, please.  I am begging you.

WAKE UP. The sun has risen.

Me

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To Mother, Letter 3

Dear Mother,

I know I cannot blame you for everything I feel.  I am well aware that I need to take ownership of the things that I do or have done.  But I can’t ignore, the events that you were involved in, setting a tone for the rest of my life.

I am an adult now, I am passed the stage of anger, hate or any feelings associated with that.  I don’t need to hate you or be angry at you for the simple reason that it doesn’t satisfy me, justify my feelings or undo all that has been done.  I am not sure what it is I actually do feel because I don’t think it is sadness.  It is more of a constant anxiety that refuses to let up.

Unfortunately, as many years that can pass, I can’t forget who you are.  I can’t go on with my life as if you never existed.  For the sole reason, that without you unfortunately, I would not be me.  My soul would be made up and constructed differently.  My life may not have even been given a chance.

I am just confused about what I feel.  I know that the turn of events have jaded how I live on a daily basis.  Small ounces of nothings, make me crazy.  Anxiety attacks for no reason.  Separation anxiety, sleeping disorders, years and decades of nightmares, not being able to trust ANYONE and without an inkling of exaggeration, unable to feel happiness.  My relationships suffer in every way.  I have no self.  My focus is to be one up and a step ahead, I am guessing because it was complete shock losing you.  I wasn’t prepared.  Now I am forever preparing for the worst to come and I am missing out on now.  I can’t allow myself to enjoy my life.  And even though I am aware of all of this, I am having the most difficult time overcoming it all.

You think you can justify your being content by telling everyone I hate you.  I deny you.  I refuse you and any type of relationship.  You think that you can justify the act of abandonment with your own feelings of sorrow and guilt.  That, I can tell you may work for you and your surroundings but it will never erase the damage you have done to me.  How can you even assume how I feel?  The last time you knew me I was 14 years old and at that time you barely knew yourself.  Is that fair for you to assume how I am feeling at any moment in your life towards you when I haven’t had nearly enough interactions with you to determine that?

I can’t deny the disappointment I have for not having a mother yet having one that lives and breathes a separate life.  I had to go through the hardest years of a young girls life with no womanly influence.  My dad, your first ex husband, did the best he possibly could but you already knew that he would since you left him no choice but to raise us and closed the door to any opportunity to have a relationship with me or your son.  You missed my teenage years, you missed my questions about dating, sex, teaching me to have self-esteem and respect for myself, showing me it was okay to be who I was.  I was forced to learn on my own and make many mistakes.  Mistakes that I live with, not you.  You think that one moment in your life, you made a mistake but it is over now.  The reason why it lives on, is because it shaped me as a person, how I interact with people of any gender and how I cope with everyday life.

You couldn’t even appreciate having a daughter and treating me like your mother never treated you.  You could have broken the cycle.  You were disappointed in your mother for being weak-minded and distant because she didn’t know any better.  You could have learned from that and strive to do better.  Just like I plan to do, if I can ever trust myself to have a child.  The fear of repeating history is stronger now than ever before.   And tell me, how can you justify how I feel to benefit you in any way?  Please tell me.  Your actions impacted my life in more ways than you will ever be able to imagine.  I am tired of living with this yet I can’t let go until I get BETTER.  And believe me I am working on getting better.  I am trying every path and every outlet and I will continue until I get it right.

You told me no one will love me.  Why do I believe you?

Lee


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