To whom it may concern,
It has been some time since we last spoke and I was pretty upset with you when we did. I guess the reason for the argument was not the real reason for the falling out. I never intended to not have you here as a friend. The fact that you have went unphased by the end of our communication makes me feel sad. Not only sad but stupid. Stupid because maybe the value I had put on the friendship had been greater than the value you had put on it. Maybe I misjudged the relationship.
With that said, let me just clarify that I know that I am not a perfect friend. I am flakey because I am anxious and a commitment phobe. I break plans a lot because I get tired, lazy or nervous about nothing. I try to be a good listener but I am not good at it which is something I always expressed to you. You didn’t really like to talk about your issues anyway so i thought we both agreed that it was a good fit. I talk and you listen, I try to listen and you try to talk. I don’t know, I thought it worked, at least for a while.
I tried to be there for you even when you wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. I was very open and blunt about my opinions on your decisions, not because I wanted to make you feel bad or hurt you but because if I didn’t tell you exactly what I felt about it, I would feel like I wasn’t being true to you or our friendship. I feel a friend should tell you want you need to hear not what you want to hear.
I know I have my faults and I am the type of person to admit when I am making a mistake. I would never give you 100% of the blame for the weirdness that had come between us. I have tried to figure out for months where things changed. What went wrong? Did I change? Did you change? Did we just grow apart as people just naturally tend to do?
Was it insecurities? Was it something I had that you wanted or was it something you had that I wanted? I always admired your “don’t give a fuck” attitude. I hated that I worried about everything so much and you could just brush everything off your shoulders. I wanted that quality and it was so frustrating to watch everything roll off of you, even now. Maybe I was jealous of that. I can admit that. We are human beings, there is no way in hell that friends can’t be jealous of what the other might possess. I am strong enough to admit that.
I miss the laughs, I miss the really really long, good conversations. The real ones, though. The ones without the hard shell mask. The walks, the talks, the times we sat in the car and would bullshit for hours about everyone and everything. Our Full Circle. The times where I knew you had my back and you weren’t trying to make jokes at my expense. Towards the end, I started to do the same. I’ll admit that. Why not? I was being dished that.
All that I say, doesn’t make me correct but it is just statements of how I felt and feel. Now, I am moving on. You haven’t tried to find out if there is a friendship worth saving anyway. Something I am not a stranger to. People give up or people were complacent and never really wanted to try and that’s fine. I get it. I have been dealt those cards many times before.
Bottom line is, I put faith and trust into this friendship and there are very few relationships as a whole that I put anything into and I feel crushed. It may mean nothing to you, I may just have been a person in passing and you may say that I am being over dramatic. All of that may be true but it doesn’t change how this has affected me and it isn’t wrong to feel. I won’t change my mind on that.
I could go on but I stop here for now.