Tag Archives: disappointment

To You, From Me

Dear You, 

Your mind has been really unsettling lately.  I find that you are trying to be more positive but it is a very slow process.  You are not working nearly as hard enough as you should be, in turn, no one is benefiting from you small attempt to do a little more than nothing.  That is very annoying to you, to me, to all parties involved, honestly.  

You are so unhappy with the way you look, these past 6 months, your raging lunatic attitude is really hindering and hiding all the best things about your life and the things you have.  What the heck are you doing?  You are so mad and disappointed about this weight gain but you eat like it’s your “last supper”.  Duh!  Get a grip.  Okay, okay, so your 5 days in to your Weight Watchers diet and yes, you are feeling more motivated but you still crave such terrible food and you are thinking “how many points can I get away with today?”  Horrible.  That shouldn’t be the main focus, but vanity will get you, if you’re me.

I really have nothing else to really be upset about.  I, of course would like a raise or promotion or a bonus or something already.  Living paycheck to paycheck, worrying and calculating every purchase is an anxiety enabler.  One can only pretend, it’s nothing to get that pair of shoes when inside they are sweating, wondering if that purchase will take money away from the next upcoming bill.  And there is always another bill creeping up behind you.

You are disappointing to me and I am disappointing to you.  I have picked up an ugly deadly sin.  Envy.  And envy looks hideous on any one who wears it.  It is a very shitty feeling to have and even harder to admit that you have it.  I am human though and susceptible to all things at one point or another.  I can’t make one excuse for envy though.  There is anything that can come of it besides consistent negativity and self loathing.  Who wants to be that person?  And better yet, who wants to around that person?  You know that feeling when you aren’t happy with yourself, how you look, how you feel in your own skin and the frustrating fact that you can’t blame ANYONE in the world but yourself so instead of taking the blame, you want what someone else has and you hate that they possess it.  You can even love that person, but you hate everything they possess only because it is a threat to you.  Instead of being happy for that person, any person, you want them to feel as miserable as you EVEN though, it’s not really in your character to really feel this way.  Envy is a sickness, it seeps in and it is something you need to identify and destroy at the first sight of it or it manifest.  That can be a scary reality if it is not caught and killed off.

So, does this mean you are a terrible person because you let envy in?  I’d like to think that if you are away of the issue, then you can work towards a process of making it go away.  If you were just envious and doing hurtful things and were unaware of the damage you were causing then I would hold you way more accountable for those actions.  But you a harboring the envy because you that it is wrong but it is seeping through in your actions unknowingly and that is way the issue lies.  That is where there is a big problem.  There is a big lack of gratitude and gratitude should be one of the first things you have towards everything in your life.

So, I am disappointed in you.  You have given in to the temptation of envy.  Envy feels good for no one.  At what point, do you change your character?  Through experience, through interaction or through pure selfishness?  At the end of the day envy, is not thinking of what others have but more thinking of what you do not have.  That is selfish.  Selfish is something you never want to be and something you worked so hard at not being.  Where do you stand now?  Sixteen days before your 28th year and what do you have to show for it?  An envious, overweight, unattractive woman?  Self-hatred and loathing and without any appreciation for all that has been achieved in those years?  It is shameful that even when you think you are making progress, you are actually jumping a few steps back.  

Wake up and stop saying that you are going to reevaluate your life over and over but do nothing.  Your words and your actions do not mean anything because nothing has come from it.

What are YOU doing?  How much more time will YOU waste?  Time is irrelevant but how much of YOU will you waste until the day it expires?  Stop talking and start doing, please.  I am begging you.

WAKE UP. The sun has risen.

Me

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To Mother, Letter 2

Dear Mother,

I used to dream about you every night after you left.  I would always want to hurt you and it was always the same dream.  As I got older, the dreams became less but they still occurred.  Only then, I would dream that things were fine and we were a family and that you were normal.  Until mid dream, my subconscious would remember all the pain you caused and I would lash out at you and go crazy.  Sometimes I think those were worse because it was constantly replaying how were there and then you were gone.

When you left, I was 14 years old.  The few weeks before your departure was hell.  You were a completely different person.  You were no longer a mom but just an individual that I once knew.  Your actions were drastic and so uncharacteristic of you.  You put me in unfit positions for your own self gain and even now you still don’t realize how wrong it was.  I will give you the examples that back this up.

You used to make me lie to my dad for you.  You would take me along with you to hang out at a friend’s house but you would make me tell my dad we were browsing at the mall.  Your friend had been a mutual friend of you and my dad’s and she had been recently widowed.  I had known her children since I was born which wasn’t a big deal when we went there.  But on one occasion specifically,  the children had already gone to the movies and for whatever reason I was not invited.  We went over to their house and you had instructed me to go upstairs and that I could use the phone to call my at the time boyfriend and talk on the phone for however long I wanted.  When I came down, to my surprise two men were there that I had never seen before and even then I thought they were sleazy looking but I had no say in the matter.  I was polite.  You threatened me not to tell my dad about this.  This kind of behavior got worse and worse.  The more you wanted to hang out, the more you would use me as an excuse to get out and which of course led to me being threaten to lie to my dad.

At this point, American Online 3.0 had been the biggest thing to hit America.  The internet.  I remember the feeling I got the first time I made a screen name and an instant message popped up.  It was so weird to actually see someone communicating through a screen but I digress.  You began to use the internet, email and instant message for hours and made dates at certain times to do so.  No one was allowed to be anywhere near you while you did whatever you were doing online.  That is when the phone began to ring once and if I answered, hang up and ring again.  You would immediately pick up and it was only for you.  One time I couldn’t take that you were on the computer so much, because I couldn’t even talk to you at all at this point.  You were so consumed with this other life, that I had begged my dad to get rid of the internet and he wanted to also.  He saw the changes but he didn’t know the extent.  You and I had a fight on night and I had a half a day from school the next day.  I remember being so scared to come home.  I came home and you told me if I would have went against you and told my dad, that you would have taken every thing away from me, phone privileges, seeing my friends, seeing my boyfriend and having any kind of life at 14.  I had to submit to you and say that I would never have down that.  I had so much anxiety coming home everyday because I never knew what would happen next.

I didn’t know you at all anymore which led me to believe maybe I had never known you at all.  You will never know how much that confused me.   I came from you and I had, by default put all my trust in you, you were my mom.  You went from telling me as a little girl to always have a conscience, to know right from wrong to these brilliant words of wisdom when I was 14 years old, “If your going to have sex, make sure the guy uses a condom.”  What was I to think of that?  That’s the wisdom I remember you giving me in my first year of high school and entering a whole new world of relationships and hormones and everything else that occurs during those teenage years.  Do you think that was appropriate?  You taught me to use other people, to lie at the expense of others and for self gain and that sex was appropriate if I was being safe at any age.

I am not sure what I have to gain by writing this letter, I am sure that you will deny these fact to the day you die, but I remember every detail and it has shaped me unfortunately while you live your life guilt free and in denial.  This letter is not meant to throw accusations at you and re hash, it really is to show you on paper how your actions may have affected a young girl and sent her on a path of emotional destruction.  I know I have to own my own mistakes and not use you for the blame but I would like to think you left a helpful hand in my influence.

Second of many letters to come, mother.  Maybe this is how I will finally be able to let go.

Lee


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