Monthly Archives: October 2011

To Mother, Letter 4

Dear Mother,

You said that no one would ever love me.  You told me God would punish me.  I am not sure what I actually did to you.  Was it because you hurt me and I couldn’t accept the fact that you tore up my family?  That any sense of security had been lost because you made decisions that benefited your behalf.

You told so many people, lies.  They wrote me letters, they came up to me in local stores, telling me that I should speak to you, that I was wrong.  You left out the part, when I sat in the court room and you fiddled your boyfriend’s ear and laughed while I watched.  I stared at you and you didn’t come over to me once.  You didn’t look at me.  You were giggling with your support group and I was there supporting my father.  You didn’t come near me.  You didn’t fight for me or your son.  Yet, I was the one being harassed by your friends as if I had done something wrong.  I am sorry but I seemed to have missed something.  Were you there?  I know I saw you but it seems odd.  You had people send messages me on social networks pretending to be in my college classes just to get information from me or approach me in the past, then tell me what a good woman you were and how I need to talk to you because your upset.  I didn’t need that.  I didn’t need lies being spread about me.  You put the blame on me countless times and to this day, I still can’t see how.  I have the letters and the messages you sent me, saying that the blame is on me.  That you won’t take responsibility for not having any type of relationship with me and that I need to get over it.

You told your only daughter, your flesh and blood, that no one will ever love me.  I can get over it, but I can not forget that.  Tell me please, is that what makes you a good person?  Is that the person, they all have come to know and love?  Or are you still hiding behind the curtain?  Well isn’t this a horse of a different color.

The letters you send to my brother, he doesn’t even read, I do.  He can’t even be bothered but I want to know what state of mind you are in so I look.  And the most recent one was ridiculous.  It shows that you have not grown in the last 11 years and that this is a losing battle.  I am not sure if you will ever wake up and I am not sure if I will ever get closure.  There is still more time but as for now, nothing has really changed.  And I can’t say I am surprised anymore.

Someone loves me, I am just glad it isn’t you.

Lee

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To Mother, Letter 3

Dear Mother,

I know I cannot blame you for everything I feel.  I am well aware that I need to take ownership of the things that I do or have done.  But I can’t ignore, the events that you were involved in, setting a tone for the rest of my life.

I am an adult now, I am passed the stage of anger, hate or any feelings associated with that.  I don’t need to hate you or be angry at you for the simple reason that it doesn’t satisfy me, justify my feelings or undo all that has been done.  I am not sure what it is I actually do feel because I don’t think it is sadness.  It is more of a constant anxiety that refuses to let up.

Unfortunately, as many years that can pass, I can’t forget who you are.  I can’t go on with my life as if you never existed.  For the sole reason, that without you unfortunately, I would not be me.  My soul would be made up and constructed differently.  My life may not have even been given a chance.

I am just confused about what I feel.  I know that the turn of events have jaded how I live on a daily basis.  Small ounces of nothings, make me crazy.  Anxiety attacks for no reason.  Separation anxiety, sleeping disorders, years and decades of nightmares, not being able to trust ANYONE and without an inkling of exaggeration, unable to feel happiness.  My relationships suffer in every way.  I have no self.  My focus is to be one up and a step ahead, I am guessing because it was complete shock losing you.  I wasn’t prepared.  Now I am forever preparing for the worst to come and I am missing out on now.  I can’t allow myself to enjoy my life.  And even though I am aware of all of this, I am having the most difficult time overcoming it all.

You think you can justify your being content by telling everyone I hate you.  I deny you.  I refuse you and any type of relationship.  You think that you can justify the act of abandonment with your own feelings of sorrow and guilt.  That, I can tell you may work for you and your surroundings but it will never erase the damage you have done to me.  How can you even assume how I feel?  The last time you knew me I was 14 years old and at that time you barely knew yourself.  Is that fair for you to assume how I am feeling at any moment in your life towards you when I haven’t had nearly enough interactions with you to determine that?

I can’t deny the disappointment I have for not having a mother yet having one that lives and breathes a separate life.  I had to go through the hardest years of a young girls life with no womanly influence.  My dad, your first ex husband, did the best he possibly could but you already knew that he would since you left him no choice but to raise us and closed the door to any opportunity to have a relationship with me or your son.  You missed my teenage years, you missed my questions about dating, sex, teaching me to have self-esteem and respect for myself, showing me it was okay to be who I was.  I was forced to learn on my own and make many mistakes.  Mistakes that I live with, not you.  You think that one moment in your life, you made a mistake but it is over now.  The reason why it lives on, is because it shaped me as a person, how I interact with people of any gender and how I cope with everyday life.

You couldn’t even appreciate having a daughter and treating me like your mother never treated you.  You could have broken the cycle.  You were disappointed in your mother for being weak-minded and distant because she didn’t know any better.  You could have learned from that and strive to do better.  Just like I plan to do, if I can ever trust myself to have a child.  The fear of repeating history is stronger now than ever before.   And tell me, how can you justify how I feel to benefit you in any way?  Please tell me.  Your actions impacted my life in more ways than you will ever be able to imagine.  I am tired of living with this yet I can’t let go until I get BETTER.  And believe me I am working on getting better.  I am trying every path and every outlet and I will continue until I get it right.

You told me no one will love me.  Why do I believe you?

Lee


To My Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I don’t think there is anyone in this world that I love more than you.  You would never even suspect that because of how emotionally awkward I am around you.  You drive me crazy but everyone says it is because we are so much alike.  I’d like to think that would be the only reason why we disagree about certain things.

When we fight we fight big but when we laugh, we laugh even bigger.  We can always crack each other up no matter where we are.  The best is when it is the three of us, you, Lou and I.  I am pretty sure we can laugh for hours and hours.   Those are my favorite moments, when we are making fun of EVERYONE else.

You are an exceptional person.  Besides the fatherly annoying things you do and say, that still holds true regardless.  You have your ways don’t get me wrong and I would never tell you any of this face to face because your ego is already through the roof, haha.  But you really have proven that there are selfless people.  I think it is so ironic that I could be a product of the most selfish person and the most selfless person that I have ever known.  I wonder what that actually makes me.  I know there’s a “self” in there definitely.

In my eyes, you sacrificed your youth (30s-40s) to raise your two kids without a break.  I never seen a man or a person dedicate his life to make sure his kids were financially, emotionally and even somehow maternally provided for.  You worked full-time, kept up the house, made sure we were in school, had curfews, rules, boundaries and were healthy.  There wasn’t a moment where you weren’t there for me or Lou.  You definitely define, “Father”.  Not just because you are mine.  Because you really did everything you could to make an unfortunate situation better.  Even if some things were just out of your control, you always did your best.

You are and were never bitter.  That is definitely where we differ.  You are more accepting of what comes at you whereas I am not.  That is a quality I wish I had and hope to get someday.  We definitely all have our faults but we are still a family.  And when push comes to shove, I know your there and you know I am there.

I remember how hard it was to trust anyone, when your wife abandoned us.  You kept at it though.  You never gave up, even now, you never give up on me.  Underneath it all, your still just a dude, who had some kids, but you took it seriously.  You made your family your life before us, with us and as we have grown.

I know you feel like you may not get the appreciation that you deserve but it is there.   None of us are great at showing it.  We usually like to tell every one else how great the other is, like it is a secret.  Just a habit we all picked up.  Great!  I am doing it right now!  I digress.

I definitely have taken you for granted on many occasions, from adolescence and from the turn of events in my early teenage years.  It was and even still is hard, to respond emotionally and affectionately because I guess I still haven’t gotten the past out of my system.  I’m working on it, Da!!!!!

Recently, though we have been having better conversations and I feel like you are even more supportive of my goals and ideas than before.  I guess, maybe I am finally reaching that level where we are both adults, and I am not longer just a kid and her dad.  I don’t know what it is really but I am not going to question it.  I like the way it is going.

I love you.

Lee


To Mother, Letter 2

Dear Mother,

I used to dream about you every night after you left.  I would always want to hurt you and it was always the same dream.  As I got older, the dreams became less but they still occurred.  Only then, I would dream that things were fine and we were a family and that you were normal.  Until mid dream, my subconscious would remember all the pain you caused and I would lash out at you and go crazy.  Sometimes I think those were worse because it was constantly replaying how were there and then you were gone.

When you left, I was 14 years old.  The few weeks before your departure was hell.  You were a completely different person.  You were no longer a mom but just an individual that I once knew.  Your actions were drastic and so uncharacteristic of you.  You put me in unfit positions for your own self gain and even now you still don’t realize how wrong it was.  I will give you the examples that back this up.

You used to make me lie to my dad for you.  You would take me along with you to hang out at a friend’s house but you would make me tell my dad we were browsing at the mall.  Your friend had been a mutual friend of you and my dad’s and she had been recently widowed.  I had known her children since I was born which wasn’t a big deal when we went there.  But on one occasion specifically,  the children had already gone to the movies and for whatever reason I was not invited.  We went over to their house and you had instructed me to go upstairs and that I could use the phone to call my at the time boyfriend and talk on the phone for however long I wanted.  When I came down, to my surprise two men were there that I had never seen before and even then I thought they were sleazy looking but I had no say in the matter.  I was polite.  You threatened me not to tell my dad about this.  This kind of behavior got worse and worse.  The more you wanted to hang out, the more you would use me as an excuse to get out and which of course led to me being threaten to lie to my dad.

At this point, American Online 3.0 had been the biggest thing to hit America.  The internet.  I remember the feeling I got the first time I made a screen name and an instant message popped up.  It was so weird to actually see someone communicating through a screen but I digress.  You began to use the internet, email and instant message for hours and made dates at certain times to do so.  No one was allowed to be anywhere near you while you did whatever you were doing online.  That is when the phone began to ring once and if I answered, hang up and ring again.  You would immediately pick up and it was only for you.  One time I couldn’t take that you were on the computer so much, because I couldn’t even talk to you at all at this point.  You were so consumed with this other life, that I had begged my dad to get rid of the internet and he wanted to also.  He saw the changes but he didn’t know the extent.  You and I had a fight on night and I had a half a day from school the next day.  I remember being so scared to come home.  I came home and you told me if I would have went against you and told my dad, that you would have taken every thing away from me, phone privileges, seeing my friends, seeing my boyfriend and having any kind of life at 14.  I had to submit to you and say that I would never have down that.  I had so much anxiety coming home everyday because I never knew what would happen next.

I didn’t know you at all anymore which led me to believe maybe I had never known you at all.  You will never know how much that confused me.   I came from you and I had, by default put all my trust in you, you were my mom.  You went from telling me as a little girl to always have a conscience, to know right from wrong to these brilliant words of wisdom when I was 14 years old, “If your going to have sex, make sure the guy uses a condom.”  What was I to think of that?  That’s the wisdom I remember you giving me in my first year of high school and entering a whole new world of relationships and hormones and everything else that occurs during those teenage years.  Do you think that was appropriate?  You taught me to use other people, to lie at the expense of others and for self gain and that sex was appropriate if I was being safe at any age.

I am not sure what I have to gain by writing this letter, I am sure that you will deny these fact to the day you die, but I remember every detail and it has shaped me unfortunately while you live your life guilt free and in denial.  This letter is not meant to throw accusations at you and re hash, it really is to show you on paper how your actions may have affected a young girl and sent her on a path of emotional destruction.  I know I have to own my own mistakes and not use you for the blame but I would like to think you left a helpful hand in my influence.

Second of many letters to come, mother.  Maybe this is how I will finally be able to let go.

Lee


To Mother, Letter 1

Dear Mother,

Let me first say, I can’t believe it has been 11 years.  There are so many things I want to say to you and now that I realized I can write them in a letter, I am at a loss for words.  I can remember the day you left almost exactly as it had happened.  I know I need to let go.  I can try to put into words all the emotions I went through leading up to that day. Let me go to back to what I can remember before the fallout.

I remember as a little girl, you pretended you were my best friend.  You used to love the way I sang and you used to push me to sing at school.  I remember the first time I ever sang on stage.  I was 10 years old, in fourth grade and our class was having a talent show.  I was going to perform a dance number with a friend but at the last-minute she backed out.  The whole time you wanted me to sing, “I will always love you” the one that Whitney Houston sang in The Bodyguard.   We loved that movie, I think.  So I asked my teacher and I surprised you and sang in front of the whole school.  For you.  You didn’t even want custody of you kids nearly four years later.

I can remember so many things in my past but the memories I have with you are seldom and faded.  I remember in junior high school, a friend at the time, Ali wanted to plan a surprise birthday party for me and I found out about it but was so excited.  You told her, you didn’t want to have it.  I remember being so upset and so angry.  Why didn’t you want my friend to plan something that made me feel special?  I had never had a surprise party before.  No one ever thought to do something like that for me before then.  Why did you take that away from me?

I don’t remember a lot of hugs.  I don’t remember a lot of affection.  I do remember going shopping with you in Novelli’s Pork Store and telling you, “I love you” and you telling me, ” You don’t have to tell me every five minutes, I know that you love me.”  I was probably about 7-9 years old.  I was so embarrassed.  That hurt.

You used to smoke a lot.  You never bit your nails.  You always had your make up down and you slept with it on.  You never put your hair in a pony tail or did anything different to it except when you permed it, then it was just down and curly.  It was always blonde and you were either really fat or really thin but never in between.

I never saw you and my dad very affectionate towards each other.  Any time my dad would come near you, you seemed like you didn’t want to be bothered.  You always talked about how difficult he was and how he loved my brother more than he loved me.  You told me when I was little that you were going to leave him when I was 18.

You never worked, you cooked poorly and you talked on the phone a lot.  You were never really bright, so you could never really help me with my homework unless it was something crafty.  You even asked me to buy you a pack of cigarettes when I was like 8 and even I had to tell you that they wouldn’t sell them to me.

I guess this letter was just some words of reflection.  I haven’t tried to remember you in a very long time.  My next letter may  not be so easy to read but we will see.

Lee


To Me From You

Dearest me,

Let me start off by saying, you have been off to a real rocky start.  As you sit in your apartment feeling depressed and sorry for yourself, your life is passing you by at a rapid speed.  Why do you do this to yourself?  There is nothing wrong with you.  There is everything wrong with you.  What is it that you want to hear?  You hide behind solitude and you don’t even know why.  Then you ask why you are so alone.  You shut everyone out and complain about it.  What is the issue?

You blame your past, you blame your present, and you go as far as damning your future.  You want to live but you let everyone’s actions dictate your next move but your confused as to why you are never happy.  You can’t find happiness in a box smothered in tissue paper and gift wrap.  You say you never feel happy about anything.  You say you are never excited about anything.  What do you live for?  You don’t have an answer.  So you wish the end was nearer.  You are spoiled because there are sick people who wish they had your healthy organs and the strength to wake up everyday just to be miserable.   You want to give up a life that God chose for you, because you can’t find your way out of a dark tunnel.  You feel like your walking with your eyes closed and hitting a wall constantly.  You think you are realizing there is no way out and you want me to tell you that you are right but I can’t.

What is it going to take, to gain control over your own life?  How far will you push yourself to believe that nothing will change?  How much anxiety and pain will you suffer to justify that your life is not worth living?  You know you don’t really want anyone to help you because if you did you would listen to what they had to say.  Maybe you would even do something about it but you don’t.  You wallow in your own self-pity because it is easier that way.  Because deep down you don’t want to change, you don’t want to let go because this heartache is your crutch.  You want to blame everyone around you for why you aren’t happy but the truth is. it is because you have made no real effort to change.  You have sugar-coated yourself with research and studying how to improve and how to get better but you have not change one single direction of which you are going in.  The path remains the same.

Your heart races, you mind never sleeps, your hands tremble, your body heats up and a tear rolls down your face.  Why?  You reply, I don’t know.  What are you holding on to?  And what are you pushing away?  I’ll never completely understand your pain.  All you want to do is be loved, but the people who love you, you either run the other way or find a reason why they couldn’t possibly love you.  It is a lose lose with you.  What do you want?  It is so frustrating and the thing is, you have no idea what you want.  You continue living this empty life day in and day out, falling into a rut.  You go to work, you come home, you go to work, you come home.  You have choices.  You made some crappy ones in the past but everyday is another chance.

You don’t want to hear any of this.  You have no patience.  You just want to be better.  You want a new personality.  You want to end this life and start a new one.  But guess what, it doesn’t work like that.  There are so many people around the world who don’t have the simple luxuries that you have and every single moment you take that for granted.  You have to make a difference in your own life.  You need to change the path.  Stop using the same map and complain that you can’t find your way home each time.  The place you want to go is on the updated map, and you should probably be using a GPS nowadays.  But seriously, you play it safe, you are settling for unhappy.  You don’t believe it will change and you don’t believe you deserve to be happy.  You don’t believe you deserve to be loved.  It is crazy that you don’t believe that people love you.  When a person says they love you, you question their motives.  When your family says they love you, you think it is because they are obligated to say that.  It would be wrong or immoral for them to not love their own blood.  I understand that you have a past of abandonment and disappointment and the road to now has not been easy for you emotionally or mentally but you have been using that as an excuse.

When are you going to live your life?  When are you going to enjoy today?  You can’t wish it was over.  You can’t keep thinking that is the answer because it is not.

Don’t waste your life away.  Please.  Change.  Today.

Sincerely,

You


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