I know I cannot blame you for everything I feel. I am well aware that I need to take ownership of the things that I do or have done. But I can’t ignore, the events that you were involved in, setting a tone for the rest of my life.
I am an adult now, I am passed the stage of anger, hate or any feelings associated with that. I don’t need to hate you or be angry at you for the simple reason that it doesn’t satisfy me, justify my feelings or undo all that has been done. I am not sure what it is I actually do feel because I don’t think it is sadness. It is more of a constant anxiety that refuses to let up.
Unfortunately, as many years that can pass, I can’t forget who you are. I can’t go on with my life as if you never existed. For the sole reason, that without you unfortunately, I would not be me. My soul would be made up and constructed differently. My life may not have even been given a chance.
I am just confused about what I feel. I know that the turn of events have jaded how I live on a daily basis. Small ounces of nothings, make me crazy. Anxiety attacks for no reason. Separation anxiety, sleeping disorders, years and decades of nightmares, not being able to trust ANYONE and without an inkling of exaggeration, unable to feel happiness. My relationships suffer in every way. I have no self. My focus is to be one up and a step ahead, I am guessing because it was complete shock losing you. I wasn’t prepared. Now I am forever preparing for the worst to come and I am missing out on now. I can’t allow myself to enjoy my life. And even though I am aware of all of this, I am having the most difficult time overcoming it all.
You think you can justify your being content by telling everyone I hate you. I deny you. I refuse you and any type of relationship. You think that you can justify the act of abandonment with your own feelings of sorrow and guilt. That, I can tell you may work for you and your surroundings but it will never erase the damage you have done to me. How can you even assume how I feel? The last time you knew me I was 14 years old and at that time you barely knew yourself. Is that fair for you to assume how I am feeling at any moment in your life towards you when I haven’t had nearly enough interactions with you to determine that?
I can’t deny the disappointment I have for not having a mother yet having one that lives and breathes a separate life. I had to go through the hardest years of a young girls life with no womanly influence. My dad, your first ex husband, did the best he possibly could but you already knew that he would since you left him no choice but to raise us and closed the door to any opportunity to have a relationship with me or your son. You missed my teenage years, you missed my questions about dating, sex, teaching me to have self-esteem and respect for myself, showing me it was okay to be who I was. I was forced to learn on my own and make many mistakes. Mistakes that I live with, not you. You think that one moment in your life, you made a mistake but it is over now. The reason why it lives on, is because it shaped me as a person, how I interact with people of any gender and how I cope with everyday life.
You couldn’t even appreciate having a daughter and treating me like your mother never treated you. You could have broken the cycle. You were disappointed in your mother for being weak-minded and distant because she didn’t know any better. You could have learned from that and strive to do better. Just like I plan to do, if I can ever trust myself to have a child. The fear of repeating history is stronger now than ever before. And tell me, how can you justify how I feel to benefit you in any way? Please tell me. Your actions impacted my life in more ways than you will ever be able to imagine. I am tired of living with this yet I can’t let go until I get BETTER. And believe me I am working on getting better. I am trying every path and every outlet and I will continue until I get it right.
You told me no one will love me. Why do I believe you?