Tag Archives: family

To Mother, Letter 8

Dear Mother,

I had a dream about you two nights ago, it was sad.  You had been shot twice and rushed to the hospital and someone in my dream was telling me that I would regret not going but I didn’t want to see you, I didn’t want to know you were even in there.  I was upset though, I knew in my heart I didn’t want you to die, I just wanted to coexist but I never wanted to wish any harm on you.  I found myself hysterically crying and emotionally conflicted in the dream.  I woke up crying in the  middle of the night and it stayed with me that day.  It was hard for me to make out what the dream actually meant but I can try to take a guess.

As much as you have broken my heart and apparently continue to do so with your absence and harsh words, I guess the good in me, doesn’t want you to die.  You may say that I am dead to you but I know you don’t mean it.  It would be impossible for you to forget about a person that you delivered all those years ago.  I realized it’s not hate I feel but just heartache.  You truly hurt me so much all these years and you don’t even remember all the reasons why.  That’s okay, though.  I don’t like the person you are; I don’t think  you are well enough to be anyone else either but I don’t wish death upon you.  Straight from the subconscious world, you’ve heard it first.

Anger mixes in with the hurt so the lines are sometimes blurred, it is obvious we have both crossed those lines.  It is so painful to dream about you and feel all the same feelings that I felt so many years ago as if it was just happening now.  You will never allow yourself to acknowledge what you put me through because of your own unhappiness but I am glad to say that I am finally able to break those chains and be happy again.

So look, I don’t want you to die.  Isn’t that a miracle? I know you would be shocked since you think that I have as much hate in me as you do in your life but I don’t.  I am actually doing a lot better than you had hoped.  You failing me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because it make me work hard and appreciate everything I have today.

Lee

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To Mother, Letter 5

Dear Mother,

As much as pain may be perceived as weakness, in its raw setting, I find it holds strength when someone just admits the hurting is there.  How many years am I going to let go by, without letting go?  Do I love the excuse?  You have given me the greatest excuse to be sad, to hurt, to choose the wrong people, to keep my guard up and to let my guard down.  I think.

You are pushed way back in my mind, but you keep showing your face.  You have cursed me with dreams.  You are a distorted image of someone I used to know and someone I have created when I no longer knew you.  Woe is me.  An adult, sad because mommy didn’t love me let alone enough to at least stick around for the formative years.

How many times will I have to love someone and then have them ripped away from me?  Raw love.  You are the first person, but not the last.  How could I have even let that happen a second time?  Yet it happened again, I believed something that didn’t exist.  I loved something I couldn’t keep and it was taken from me.  The feeling is all too familiar.

You have no idea, the effects your actions have had.  You only know your feelings, your perception.  You do not know mine.  Until you take responsibility for what has happened and come to me with the apology not for the sorrow you feel but for the emptiness you have left in me, you will never know me.

My life is on pause for 13 years.  I have learned nothing.  I can admit my faults, my mistakes and my errors, something I did not learn from you but took from your examples.  I am a tree stump, I am not going to pretend that things are perfect or put on a show for all to see that although you failed, I prevailed.  I may have succeeded far more than you ever could but mentally, I am broken.  I have yet to change that path.  I am trying, but it is so hard.

I am still fighting to let go.  I need to fight harder.

Lee


To My Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I don’t think there is anyone in this world that I love more than you.  You would never even suspect that because of how emotionally awkward I am around you.  You drive me crazy but everyone says it is because we are so much alike.  I’d like to think that would be the only reason why we disagree about certain things.

When we fight we fight big but when we laugh, we laugh even bigger.  We can always crack each other up no matter where we are.  The best is when it is the three of us, you, Lou and I.  I am pretty sure we can laugh for hours and hours.   Those are my favorite moments, when we are making fun of EVERYONE else.

You are an exceptional person.  Besides the fatherly annoying things you do and say, that still holds true regardless.  You have your ways don’t get me wrong and I would never tell you any of this face to face because your ego is already through the roof, haha.  But you really have proven that there are selfless people.  I think it is so ironic that I could be a product of the most selfish person and the most selfless person that I have ever known.  I wonder what that actually makes me.  I know there’s a “self” in there definitely.

In my eyes, you sacrificed your youth (30s-40s) to raise your two kids without a break.  I never seen a man or a person dedicate his life to make sure his kids were financially, emotionally and even somehow maternally provided for.  You worked full-time, kept up the house, made sure we were in school, had curfews, rules, boundaries and were healthy.  There wasn’t a moment where you weren’t there for me or Lou.  You definitely define, “Father”.  Not just because you are mine.  Because you really did everything you could to make an unfortunate situation better.  Even if some things were just out of your control, you always did your best.

You are and were never bitter.  That is definitely where we differ.  You are more accepting of what comes at you whereas I am not.  That is a quality I wish I had and hope to get someday.  We definitely all have our faults but we are still a family.  And when push comes to shove, I know your there and you know I am there.

I remember how hard it was to trust anyone, when your wife abandoned us.  You kept at it though.  You never gave up, even now, you never give up on me.  Underneath it all, your still just a dude, who had some kids, but you took it seriously.  You made your family your life before us, with us and as we have grown.

I know you feel like you may not get the appreciation that you deserve but it is there.   None of us are great at showing it.  We usually like to tell every one else how great the other is, like it is a secret.  Just a habit we all picked up.  Great!  I am doing it right now!  I digress.

I definitely have taken you for granted on many occasions, from adolescence and from the turn of events in my early teenage years.  It was and even still is hard, to respond emotionally and affectionately because I guess I still haven’t gotten the past out of my system.  I’m working on it, Da!!!!!

Recently, though we have been having better conversations and I feel like you are even more supportive of my goals and ideas than before.  I guess, maybe I am finally reaching that level where we are both adults, and I am not longer just a kid and her dad.  I don’t know what it is really but I am not going to question it.  I like the way it is going.

I love you.

Lee


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