Tag Archives: relationships

Dearest Autumn

Dear Autumn,

September has arrived and without fail I get the same old feelings. The feel of wild summer’s end and falling into comfortability.

Last year at this time, I was breaking an old relationship and moving into my own apartment for the second time. It was a bigger place and somewhere I could start fresh. I love moving. It feels like letting go of the past.

Fall always feels like a new beginning for me. I am sure that is a common feeling for most because it is reminiscent of school starting its new year. I love how I feel when a subtle cool breeze touches my face. It bids farewell to the hot crazy days of summer and welcomes me with open arms for a chance to start over.

It is my favorite moment on earth. Seasons change and with it so do I. We live our life in seasons. Episodes of events and experience that soon pass us by and take us to our ultimate grand finale.

I am not ready for my series finale. I have so much I have to do in this life. I am going fight for everything I have ever dreamed of and never let life’s disruptions defeat me. I will not be defeated by pain as I thought I once would be.

Growing up is a process. It takes a long time to understand that you have a specific purpose. I will tell you it is very difficult to get there but I know once I finally figure it out, all my hardships and inner demons will have been worth every struggle and fight. I am a fighter. I feel weak but I overcome everything that comes at me.

What I feel that is most important in life is love. It is not the word so much as the action you use to display it with. I have so much love inside of me. I want to share it desperately in its most vulnerable state without being afraid of disappointment or abandonment. Sometimes it is difficult but sometimes it takes the right people in your life to show you that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.

So I welcome the beautiful colors of Autumn. Fall onto my face and fill me with complete happiness. Empty my mind of negativity and start anew. See love in its naked form and be free.

Thank you for seasons. Thank you Autumn. You are beautiful.

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To Mother, Letter 5

Dear Mother,

As much as pain may be perceived as weakness, in its raw setting, I find it holds strength when someone just admits the hurting is there.  How many years am I going to let go by, without letting go?  Do I love the excuse?  You have given me the greatest excuse to be sad, to hurt, to choose the wrong people, to keep my guard up and to let my guard down.  I think.

You are pushed way back in my mind, but you keep showing your face.  You have cursed me with dreams.  You are a distorted image of someone I used to know and someone I have created when I no longer knew you.  Woe is me.  An adult, sad because mommy didn’t love me let alone enough to at least stick around for the formative years.

How many times will I have to love someone and then have them ripped away from me?  Raw love.  You are the first person, but not the last.  How could I have even let that happen a second time?  Yet it happened again, I believed something that didn’t exist.  I loved something I couldn’t keep and it was taken from me.  The feeling is all too familiar.

You have no idea, the effects your actions have had.  You only know your feelings, your perception.  You do not know mine.  Until you take responsibility for what has happened and come to me with the apology not for the sorrow you feel but for the emptiness you have left in me, you will never know me.

My life is on pause for 13 years.  I have learned nothing.  I can admit my faults, my mistakes and my errors, something I did not learn from you but took from your examples.  I am a tree stump, I am not going to pretend that things are perfect or put on a show for all to see that although you failed, I prevailed.  I may have succeeded far more than you ever could but mentally, I am broken.  I have yet to change that path.  I am trying, but it is so hard.

I am still fighting to let go.  I need to fight harder.

Lee


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