Tag Archives: life

Dearest Autumn

Dear Autumn,

September has arrived and without fail I get the same old feelings. The feel of wild summer’s end and falling into comfortability.

Last year at this time, I was breaking an old relationship and moving into my own apartment for the second time. It was a bigger place and somewhere I could start fresh. I love moving. It feels like letting go of the past.

Fall always feels like a new beginning for me. I am sure that is a common feeling for most because it is reminiscent of school starting its new year. I love how I feel when a subtle cool breeze touches my face. It bids farewell to the hot crazy days of summer and welcomes me with open arms for a chance to start over.

It is my favorite moment on earth. Seasons change and with it so do I. We live our life in seasons. Episodes of events and experience that soon pass us by and take us to our ultimate grand finale.

I am not ready for my series finale. I have so much I have to do in this life. I am going fight for everything I have ever dreamed of and never let life’s disruptions defeat me. I will not be defeated by pain as I thought I once would be.

Growing up is a process. It takes a long time to understand that you have a specific purpose. I will tell you it is very difficult to get there but I know once I finally figure it out, all my hardships and inner demons will have been worth every struggle and fight. I am a fighter. I feel weak but I overcome everything that comes at me.

What I feel that is most important in life is love. It is not the word so much as the action you use to display it with. I have so much love inside of me. I want to share it desperately in its most vulnerable state without being afraid of disappointment or abandonment. Sometimes it is difficult but sometimes it takes the right people in your life to show you that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.

So I welcome the beautiful colors of Autumn. Fall onto my face and fill me with complete happiness. Empty my mind of negativity and start anew. See love in its naked form and be free.

Thank you for seasons. Thank you Autumn. You are beautiful.

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To the Monkey

Dear Stephen,

Yesterday was four months since you passed away and I still can’t believe it.  I know we haven’t been on the best of terms in the last few years but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you or how you were doing or that I didn’t want to call you on every October 5th to wish you a happy birthday.

The last time we spoke was not the best of conversations and I have to admit that you did frighten me because your behavior had become so erratic.  For my own safety,  I felt it was best to keep our distance but now that you are gone, I wish that we didn’t.

I cried a lot over your passing, I am sure you saw.  It was hard to really come to the realization that you were gone.   John, Chris and I stayed up all night to create three huge collages for your wake, it was nice to see you smiling in those pictures and good to reminisce about all the good times we shared with you.  It meant a lot to me to make those collages for you and I am so happy I was able to show you off.

I have no doubt that living with Cystic Fibrosis was difficult.  I couldn’t even imagine what you must have went through everyday coping with it.  You are truly an inspiration to all though, you never let it stop you from living.  You lived on the edge and sometimes it was damn close to the edge but you never let it stop you and so many people are so proud of you for that.

I know that we had many ups and downs in the time that we knew each other but I am so grateful that I met you, that I knew you, that I loved you.  I know I did some hurtful things and I am sure you know now how badly I feel about it and I know that the things you did in return were in anger as well and I forgive you, of course.

We had some really good times, too.  Stephen, you taught me a lot when I met you and you taught me a lot more when you left.  We I met you, I was 19 years old and confused about who I was and who I wanted to be.  You made me see who I was and made me realize that is who I wanted to be.  You let me enjoy the simple things I always wanted to enjoy but I was always people who judged me.  You watched The Cosby Show with me every night, you stayed over until I was falling asleep, you would always surprise me with thought things and when you looked at me, I knew you really cared.  I’ll never forget one spring evening, we went to a park and you pushed me on the swings and you just enjoyed the moment with me.  That day I realized that I was okay.  It was okay to like simplicity, it was okay to enjoy life like this.  You used to drive down from Maryland every weekend and stay over my dad’s house just so we could see each other while you were away at school.  You always made a big effort to be with me and you tried so hard to make me happy during that time.

My heart tightens in my chest when I think about how I won’t be able to randomly bump into you somewhere anymore.  Twenty-seven years old, that hurts but I don’t thinking about you and your life and the impact that you made on me.  I am sorry we never had a chance to say goodbye and that the goodbyes we had a few years ago were not the greatest.  I know that you are watching and I know that you know how I feel.  I hope you are happy, content and have the heavy weight lifted off your shoulders.  I have so much to say but I will save it for the next letter I send to you.

Til then,

“Yea Yea” Lisa

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To Mother, Letter 6

Dear Mother,

I have certainly made a big mistake yesterday.  I do not necessarily feel apologetic towards you but more towards myself.  I let my emotions react and didn’t process why I became angry.  I asked you to please not contact me and pose as my mother, steal pictures off social networks and pretend you were any sort of mother to me or my brother.  I told you that my mother had died because figuratively, she has.  We haven’t had a relationship in 13 years, yet you celebrate Mother’s Day as if you deserve to.  I guess that is why I reacted.  But your response was entirely uncalled for.

antoinettef….@…..com 6:31 PM (21 hours ago) to me 

“You ungrateful little shit I carried you for nine months gave you life all your precious father gave you was his sperm to create you…I hope you never experience what people have experienced with a man like you father…you have no effin clue how he hurt me all those years…dont look at my page and pictures, if i want a picture of my so called children then I can have them…you ass…your such a ungrateful piece of shit, I hope you will never regret these words…u will never admit how I took care of you and u denied me the rest, I WALKED OUT ON YOUR FATHER….AND FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER ALLOWED ME BACK IN!!!!!!!  You can not denied I have tried in numerous of ways to make this right between us…Now you know what I wish for you,,, You daughter will break your heart to pieces one day….and when that time comes…I want u to remember those words you said to me….Im dead….well someday your going to eat those words…because u know why…there is a God, God will allow you to see the pain you cause your mother…remember me that day when your child betrays you…remember me that day and when u do, you will know and feel the pain…I am so done caring about you…your were my biggest mistake…wished I never had a child like you…your an evil human that belongs to satan himself…no human has a heart like you..good luck in your sad sad life.   Remember one more thing…remember these words Lisa when your husband will give you your first crack across your face just like you precious father cracked me over and over again, even when you were in my stomach at 4 months pregnant…things u chose not to know but a reality to me and haunts me for the rest of my life…he can deny it all he wants but when it comes to judgement day, he will be judge like the rest of us…me included as a sinner..and you for the hurt u have caused me over and over…dont reply cause I cant stand you anymore…i am so done with u..in my eyes your dead!!!!   Stay the fuck off my facebook page you little piece of shit!!””

I am so disturbed by the behavior set forth from a 51 year old woman who abandoned her two children 13 years ago.  Your accusations against the man who raised me, my dad, yea, a judge in the court of law deemed you mentally unstable to obtain custody of your children and were only granted visitation in a public place with adult supervision.  In which, you came to visit once.  Not to mention, a diary entry signed by you stating, that my father never once laid a hand on you and that was also used against you in court as you were lying under oath.  You are lying to justify your actions.  It is human nature.

I digress.  Not that I would ever need to defend my precious father or our family name, because as you say God does know.  And maybe I shouldn’t be so angry after all these years over an illness that you obviously can not control.  I should feel more sad for you, that you mix up you childhood with mine.  I am sorry your father abused your mother mentally and physically and your mind wasn’t able to properly process that, in turn you relived it through my life.  That is so sad.  It really is a shame that no matter how much time has passed you were never able to seek the help that you truly need.

Under no circumstance was your letter appropriate or sane.  You gave me life, you gave me a true sense of abandonment and then you wish me pain still, 13 years later.  God is good and I will endure all the pain you wish to throw at me if it means that I will never have to be subjected to you ever again.  I will do that for you.  I will take your anger and frustration if it means you leave me alone until the day of your last breath because unlike you, I am not selfish and I have empathy.  Also, I am strong and I survived through your mistakes and it made me a way better person than you’ll be on the day of your death and I thank you, mother.  I thank you for helping me become so far from the woman you are and so close to the father I have.  He gave up his life, his freedoms and his time to ensure that my brother and I received a great education, experience family the way you never have, and made sure that though you couldn’t love us that he could and it is unconditional.

It is a shame that you will never experience a best friend like the one only a mother could have with her daughter.  You will never experience being a grandmother to the grandchildren you have already damned verbally.  And I thank you for being all that you are because it continues to make me all that I am.  Your words are sad.  They don’t pierce even the surface of my skin, in all your efforts to try, you aren’t strong because a strong person admits the damage they have done and apologizes, owns up to it and moves on.  You are truly the saddest and most helpless person I have ever been in contact within the 28 years of my life and I am so sorry that you weren’t able to help yourself.

But I am so grateful that I had you to show me exactly how I never wish to be.

Lee


To You, From Me

Dear You, 

Your mind has been really unsettling lately.  I find that you are trying to be more positive but it is a very slow process.  You are not working nearly as hard enough as you should be, in turn, no one is benefiting from you small attempt to do a little more than nothing.  That is very annoying to you, to me, to all parties involved, honestly.  

You are so unhappy with the way you look, these past 6 months, your raging lunatic attitude is really hindering and hiding all the best things about your life and the things you have.  What the heck are you doing?  You are so mad and disappointed about this weight gain but you eat like it’s your “last supper”.  Duh!  Get a grip.  Okay, okay, so your 5 days in to your Weight Watchers diet and yes, you are feeling more motivated but you still crave such terrible food and you are thinking “how many points can I get away with today?”  Horrible.  That shouldn’t be the main focus, but vanity will get you, if you’re me.

I really have nothing else to really be upset about.  I, of course would like a raise or promotion or a bonus or something already.  Living paycheck to paycheck, worrying and calculating every purchase is an anxiety enabler.  One can only pretend, it’s nothing to get that pair of shoes when inside they are sweating, wondering if that purchase will take money away from the next upcoming bill.  And there is always another bill creeping up behind you.

You are disappointing to me and I am disappointing to you.  I have picked up an ugly deadly sin.  Envy.  And envy looks hideous on any one who wears it.  It is a very shitty feeling to have and even harder to admit that you have it.  I am human though and susceptible to all things at one point or another.  I can’t make one excuse for envy though.  There is anything that can come of it besides consistent negativity and self loathing.  Who wants to be that person?  And better yet, who wants to around that person?  You know that feeling when you aren’t happy with yourself, how you look, how you feel in your own skin and the frustrating fact that you can’t blame ANYONE in the world but yourself so instead of taking the blame, you want what someone else has and you hate that they possess it.  You can even love that person, but you hate everything they possess only because it is a threat to you.  Instead of being happy for that person, any person, you want them to feel as miserable as you EVEN though, it’s not really in your character to really feel this way.  Envy is a sickness, it seeps in and it is something you need to identify and destroy at the first sight of it or it manifest.  That can be a scary reality if it is not caught and killed off.

So, does this mean you are a terrible person because you let envy in?  I’d like to think that if you are away of the issue, then you can work towards a process of making it go away.  If you were just envious and doing hurtful things and were unaware of the damage you were causing then I would hold you way more accountable for those actions.  But you a harboring the envy because you that it is wrong but it is seeping through in your actions unknowingly and that is way the issue lies.  That is where there is a big problem.  There is a big lack of gratitude and gratitude should be one of the first things you have towards everything in your life.

So, I am disappointed in you.  You have given in to the temptation of envy.  Envy feels good for no one.  At what point, do you change your character?  Through experience, through interaction or through pure selfishness?  At the end of the day envy, is not thinking of what others have but more thinking of what you do not have.  That is selfish.  Selfish is something you never want to be and something you worked so hard at not being.  Where do you stand now?  Sixteen days before your 28th year and what do you have to show for it?  An envious, overweight, unattractive woman?  Self-hatred and loathing and without any appreciation for all that has been achieved in those years?  It is shameful that even when you think you are making progress, you are actually jumping a few steps back.  

Wake up and stop saying that you are going to reevaluate your life over and over but do nothing.  Your words and your actions do not mean anything because nothing has come from it.

What are YOU doing?  How much more time will YOU waste?  Time is irrelevant but how much of YOU will you waste until the day it expires?  Stop talking and start doing, please.  I am begging you.

WAKE UP. The sun has risen.

Me


To Mother, Letter 3

Dear Mother,

I know I cannot blame you for everything I feel.  I am well aware that I need to take ownership of the things that I do or have done.  But I can’t ignore, the events that you were involved in, setting a tone for the rest of my life.

I am an adult now, I am passed the stage of anger, hate or any feelings associated with that.  I don’t need to hate you or be angry at you for the simple reason that it doesn’t satisfy me, justify my feelings or undo all that has been done.  I am not sure what it is I actually do feel because I don’t think it is sadness.  It is more of a constant anxiety that refuses to let up.

Unfortunately, as many years that can pass, I can’t forget who you are.  I can’t go on with my life as if you never existed.  For the sole reason, that without you unfortunately, I would not be me.  My soul would be made up and constructed differently.  My life may not have even been given a chance.

I am just confused about what I feel.  I know that the turn of events have jaded how I live on a daily basis.  Small ounces of nothings, make me crazy.  Anxiety attacks for no reason.  Separation anxiety, sleeping disorders, years and decades of nightmares, not being able to trust ANYONE and without an inkling of exaggeration, unable to feel happiness.  My relationships suffer in every way.  I have no self.  My focus is to be one up and a step ahead, I am guessing because it was complete shock losing you.  I wasn’t prepared.  Now I am forever preparing for the worst to come and I am missing out on now.  I can’t allow myself to enjoy my life.  And even though I am aware of all of this, I am having the most difficult time overcoming it all.

You think you can justify your being content by telling everyone I hate you.  I deny you.  I refuse you and any type of relationship.  You think that you can justify the act of abandonment with your own feelings of sorrow and guilt.  That, I can tell you may work for you and your surroundings but it will never erase the damage you have done to me.  How can you even assume how I feel?  The last time you knew me I was 14 years old and at that time you barely knew yourself.  Is that fair for you to assume how I am feeling at any moment in your life towards you when I haven’t had nearly enough interactions with you to determine that?

I can’t deny the disappointment I have for not having a mother yet having one that lives and breathes a separate life.  I had to go through the hardest years of a young girls life with no womanly influence.  My dad, your first ex husband, did the best he possibly could but you already knew that he would since you left him no choice but to raise us and closed the door to any opportunity to have a relationship with me or your son.  You missed my teenage years, you missed my questions about dating, sex, teaching me to have self-esteem and respect for myself, showing me it was okay to be who I was.  I was forced to learn on my own and make many mistakes.  Mistakes that I live with, not you.  You think that one moment in your life, you made a mistake but it is over now.  The reason why it lives on, is because it shaped me as a person, how I interact with people of any gender and how I cope with everyday life.

You couldn’t even appreciate having a daughter and treating me like your mother never treated you.  You could have broken the cycle.  You were disappointed in your mother for being weak-minded and distant because she didn’t know any better.  You could have learned from that and strive to do better.  Just like I plan to do, if I can ever trust myself to have a child.  The fear of repeating history is stronger now than ever before.   And tell me, how can you justify how I feel to benefit you in any way?  Please tell me.  Your actions impacted my life in more ways than you will ever be able to imagine.  I am tired of living with this yet I can’t let go until I get BETTER.  And believe me I am working on getting better.  I am trying every path and every outlet and I will continue until I get it right.

You told me no one will love me.  Why do I believe you?

Lee


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