Monthly Archives: November 2012

To Mother, Letter 5

Dear Mother,

As much as pain may be perceived as weakness, in its raw setting, I find it holds strength when someone just admits the hurting is there.  How many years am I going to let go by, without letting go?  Do I love the excuse?  You have given me the greatest excuse to be sad, to hurt, to choose the wrong people, to keep my guard up and to let my guard down.  I think.

You are pushed way back in my mind, but you keep showing your face.  You have cursed me with dreams.  You are a distorted image of someone I used to know and someone I have created when I no longer knew you.  Woe is me.  An adult, sad because mommy didn’t love me let alone enough to at least stick around for the formative years.

How many times will I have to love someone and then have them ripped away from me?  Raw love.  You are the first person, but not the last.  How could I have even let that happen a second time?  Yet it happened again, I believed something that didn’t exist.  I loved something I couldn’t keep and it was taken from me.  The feeling is all too familiar.

You have no idea, the effects your actions have had.  You only know your feelings, your perception.  You do not know mine.  Until you take responsibility for what has happened and come to me with the apology not for the sorrow you feel but for the emptiness you have left in me, you will never know me.

My life is on pause for 13 years.  I have learned nothing.  I can admit my faults, my mistakes and my errors, something I did not learn from you but took from your examples.  I am a tree stump, I am not going to pretend that things are perfect or put on a show for all to see that although you failed, I prevailed.  I may have succeeded far more than you ever could but mentally, I am broken.  I have yet to change that path.  I am trying, but it is so hard.

I am still fighting to let go.  I need to fight harder.

Lee

Advertisements

%d bloggers like this: