Tag Archives: parenthood

To Mother, Letter 8

Dear Mother,

I had a dream about you two nights ago, it was sad.  You had been shot twice and rushed to the hospital and someone in my dream was telling me that I would regret not going but I didn’t want to see you, I didn’t want to know you were even in there.  I was upset though, I knew in my heart I didn’t want you to die, I just wanted to coexist but I never wanted to wish any harm on you.  I found myself hysterically crying and emotionally conflicted in the dream.  I woke up crying in the  middle of the night and it stayed with me that day.  It was hard for me to make out what the dream actually meant but I can try to take a guess.

As much as you have broken my heart and apparently continue to do so with your absence and harsh words, I guess the good in me, doesn’t want you to die.  You may say that I am dead to you but I know you don’t mean it.  It would be impossible for you to forget about a person that you delivered all those years ago.  I realized it’s not hate I feel but just heartache.  You truly hurt me so much all these years and you don’t even remember all the reasons why.  That’s okay, though.  I don’t like the person you are; I don’t think  you are well enough to be anyone else either but I don’t wish death upon you.  Straight from the subconscious world, you’ve heard it first.

Anger mixes in with the hurt so the lines are sometimes blurred, it is obvious we have both crossed those lines.  It is so painful to dream about you and feel all the same feelings that I felt so many years ago as if it was just happening now.  You will never allow yourself to acknowledge what you put me through because of your own unhappiness but I am glad to say that I am finally able to break those chains and be happy again.

So look, I don’t want you to die.  Isn’t that a miracle? I know you would be shocked since you think that I have as much hate in me as you do in your life but I don’t.  I am actually doing a lot better than you had hoped.  You failing me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because it make me work hard and appreciate everything I have today.

Lee

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To Mother, Letter 5

Dear Mother,

As much as pain may be perceived as weakness, in its raw setting, I find it holds strength when someone just admits the hurting is there.  How many years am I going to let go by, without letting go?  Do I love the excuse?  You have given me the greatest excuse to be sad, to hurt, to choose the wrong people, to keep my guard up and to let my guard down.  I think.

You are pushed way back in my mind, but you keep showing your face.  You have cursed me with dreams.  You are a distorted image of someone I used to know and someone I have created when I no longer knew you.  Woe is me.  An adult, sad because mommy didn’t love me let alone enough to at least stick around for the formative years.

How many times will I have to love someone and then have them ripped away from me?  Raw love.  You are the first person, but not the last.  How could I have even let that happen a second time?  Yet it happened again, I believed something that didn’t exist.  I loved something I couldn’t keep and it was taken from me.  The feeling is all too familiar.

You have no idea, the effects your actions have had.  You only know your feelings, your perception.  You do not know mine.  Until you take responsibility for what has happened and come to me with the apology not for the sorrow you feel but for the emptiness you have left in me, you will never know me.

My life is on pause for 13 years.  I have learned nothing.  I can admit my faults, my mistakes and my errors, something I did not learn from you but took from your examples.  I am a tree stump, I am not going to pretend that things are perfect or put on a show for all to see that although you failed, I prevailed.  I may have succeeded far more than you ever could but mentally, I am broken.  I have yet to change that path.  I am trying, but it is so hard.

I am still fighting to let go.  I need to fight harder.

Lee


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