This Isn’t It.

Dear You,

You drive to work and the radio is on but you aren’t really listening. You are in the car but you are never really there. You have no control over your life right now, it is just moving without you and not in the direction you would prefer. How do you change this path that you cannot control? You want your body to listen to you and you are making all your actions reflect those things you want; yet, the opposite is occurring. What is your next move?

It is devastating that whatever life you wish to lead has to be crammed into 48 hours of the weekend and about 30-40 minutes between work and sleep. How can you have a child when your ideal times are probably during your working hours? How can you lose weight when you sit at a desk 8 hours straight without any active or movement in your heart? Aside from your waking up at 3:30am to squeeze in a good two hours of gym time, how can you compete?

You do not have control over your life right now. Will you ever? Years are flying by. You aren’t who you were before; you know too much now. How are you going to make it through the next shift of years? How are you going to handle possibly never becoming a mother? How do accept that the main function of your body, the sole purpose of your existence is faulted? Where do you go from there? Nothing will ever bring you enough joy to let go or accept a childless life. It can still happen but I am sorry that you have to struggle for everything that can bring you joy. I am sorry that you must fight hard for everything that is good in this world. I am sorry that “easy” isn’t a part of your world. I am sorry that you feel sorry for yourself.

But, fuck it. Because this isn’t it.

Me.

To “Anyone Who Will Listen”,

I never thought I would be someone who stopped believing in love.  Well, romantic love.  The idea of it seems so unrealistic to me now.  I have no real hope in finding out if it could be real anymore.

You know, I am just really tired of giving control to other people, for letting them let me down.  For all the lies, the sneakiness, the selfishness and for me always feeling bad when I have a reaction to any of it.  I am done with feeling bad.

I thought I wanted to be alone.  Forever.  I don’t think I really want that either.  That is not to say that I believe in love.  But I really want someone to be there for me and be a partner.  Can a guy just “have my 6” ????  I mean, can you ride with me, have my back, be on my damn team, can I be worth not losing????  The guy who takes my side even when I am wrong but for the face of the team just defends me.

Seems like I am just a great temporary catch to most guys I have been in relationships with.  I am good friend.  I am nice person.  I am not life long material?   And don’t get me wrong, I am not speaking for all relationships, some I just destroyed all by myself but the ones, the ones that I gave my all to, those I can’t see why I couldn’t be enough.

Oh yea, I am supposed to tell myself, hey, you’re too good for him, he doesn’t deserve you, he is not worthy, he’s wrong, wrong, wrong!  Ha!  If it  was one guy, maybe that would work.  I am sick of proving how worthy I am to be a lifelong partner and then having someone tell me, “you know I do love you, but I am not ready and don’t know when I will be.   I don’t want to lose you but I have to let you go.”  That’s not verbatim for any one person but it’s a summary of what I have been hearing for quite some time.  Or the “but I was going to marry you in a year or two, why are you leaving.”  Oh, I don’t know because it has been like 3 years and you haven’t even mentioned that was in your time line EVER.  (Because it wasn’t).

What am I trying to say?  Nothing, I guess.  I am just venting.  I am feeling very overwhelmed the past few weeks and I can’t seem to get out of my own way.  Squash and I are broken up.  I gave it my best shot, it definitely wasn’t enough.  It’s okay, we are friends.  It is amicable.  It’s crazy gut wrenching and sad.   We live together and this has to be by far the hardest way to end a relationship but still live together.  I mean we are so fine with each other it’s not the problem.  For me, it is the issue of standing still that makes me so anxious.  Sure, I have been looking for apartments but it’s just that I haven’t found the right one that suites my space and my wallet.  No, it is not an excuse to prolong leaving, that I can assure you.  This is not easy for either of us.  It can get uneasy and uncomfortable for us both at times.  The lines are defined but blur.  It is just tough.

That’s all I got for now.

Later Dayz,

Me

 

 

 

Dear God

Dear God,

I want to thank you for all the beautiful things that you have added to my life.  As I look outside the express bus window on my way to work every morning, some days I think about how lucky I am and other days I can feel distraught thinking about the things I don’t have.

Today, I take a step back.  One year ago today, my friend, a one time best friend, a one time boyfriend and one time enemy, passed away at 27 years old.  I can’t believe it’s a year already.  I can’t believe he is gone.  One thing I do know is that You, God, are with him and he is free of pain and hurt.

I feel sadness today in my heart, missing the friend I had, missing that sweet boy I know in my 20’s, regretting childish and irresponsible decisions I made at the time of our encounters.   I always pray and think, I hope Stephen knows that I never meant to hurt him when I did and that I was a dumb kid, not thinking.  I hope he knows that I do think about him and still can’t believe it’s a year and hate that I couldn’t even say goodbye.

God, this is my letter to you in hopes to relay the message to our monkey, Stephen Andrew Lipton.  I pray his soul rests in peace and he has the clarity to feel all the love of the people missing him in here on earth.  I hope he is smiling.

Thanks for taking care of our friend.

Love you always Lord,

Lisa

Mother, Letter 9

Dear Mother,

Sometimes I feel like I need to see you because I need someone to blame for all the craziness I have inside my mind. Then I realize that would just make everything worse.

Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to hug you. I try to remember if you ever had love in your heart for me. I try to think about how it would feel to miss you even though I still harbor so much pain inside for you.

It’s crazy, I can’t let it go. I can’t let you go. Makes you happy, to know how conflicted you have made me. You feel important, I’m sure. My thoughts make you relevant every time you might feel that you start to fade out, I come back in and remind you how your actions forever affect my life. That’s powerful.

Is it that I just can’t grow up? I don’t want to let go because than I might have to take responsibility for my failures? Maybe.

Mom, I want hugs when I cry. I want to be taught how to be a good woman. I want to know how to, when to, with who to, and why to doing anything you were supposed to teach me.

I want the nurturing touch of a mother who loves me.

Why? Why was I not worth a hug?
Lee

Dearest Autumn

Dear Autumn,

September has arrived and without fail I get the same old feelings. The feel of wild summer’s end and falling into comfortability.

Last year at this time, I was breaking an old relationship and moving into my own apartment for the second time. It was a bigger place and somewhere I could start fresh. I love moving. It feels like letting go of the past.

Fall always feels like a new beginning for me. I am sure that is a common feeling for most because it is reminiscent of school starting its new year. I love how I feel when a subtle cool breeze touches my face. It bids farewell to the hot crazy days of summer and welcomes me with open arms for a chance to start over.

It is my favorite moment on earth. Seasons change and with it so do I. We live our life in seasons. Episodes of events and experience that soon pass us by and take us to our ultimate grand finale.

I am not ready for my series finale. I have so much I have to do in this life. I am going fight for everything I have ever dreamed of and never let life’s disruptions defeat me. I will not be defeated by pain as I thought I once would be.

Growing up is a process. It takes a long time to understand that you have a specific purpose. I will tell you it is very difficult to get there but I know once I finally figure it out, all my hardships and inner demons will have been worth every struggle and fight. I am a fighter. I feel weak but I overcome everything that comes at me.

What I feel that is most important in life is love. It is not the word so much as the action you use to display it with. I have so much love inside of me. I want to share it desperately in its most vulnerable state without being afraid of disappointment or abandonment. Sometimes it is difficult but sometimes it takes the right people in your life to show you that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.

So I welcome the beautiful colors of Autumn. Fall onto my face and fill me with complete happiness. Empty my mind of negativity and start anew. See love in its naked form and be free.

Thank you for seasons. Thank you Autumn. You are beautiful.