I never thought I would be someone who stopped believing in love. Well, romantic love. The idea of it seems so unrealistic to me now. I have no real hope in finding out if it could be real anymore.
You know, I am just really tired of giving control to other people, for letting them let me down. For all the lies, the sneakiness, the selfishness and for me always feeling bad when I have a reaction to any of it. I am done with feeling bad.
I thought I wanted to be alone. Forever. I don’t think I really want that either. That is not to say that I believe in love. But I really want someone to be there for me and be a partner. Can a guy just “have my 6” ???? I mean, can you ride with me, have my back, be on my damn team, can I be worth not losing???? The guy who takes my side even when I am wrong but for the face of the team just defends me.
Seems like I am just a great temporary catch to most guys I have been in relationships with. I am good friend. I am nice person. I am not life long material? And don’t get me wrong, I am not speaking for all relationships, some I just destroyed all by myself but the ones, the ones that I gave my all to, those I can’t see why I couldn’t be enough.
Oh yea, I am supposed to tell myself, hey, you’re too good for him, he doesn’t deserve you, he is not worthy, he’s wrong, wrong, wrong! Ha! If it was one guy, maybe that would work. I am sick of proving how worthy I am to be a lifelong partner and then having someone tell me, “you know I do love you, but I am not ready and don’t know when I will be. I don’t want to lose you but I have to let you go.” That’s not verbatim for any one person but it’s a summary of what I have been hearing for quite some time. Or the “but I was going to marry you in a year or two, why are you leaving.” Oh, I don’t know because it has been like 3 years and you haven’t even mentioned that was in your time line EVER. (Because it wasn’t).
What am I trying to say? Nothing, I guess. I am just venting. I am feeling very overwhelmed the past few weeks and I can’t seem to get out of my own way. Squash and I are broken up. I gave it my best shot, it definitely wasn’t enough. It’s okay, we are friends. It is amicable. It’s crazy gut wrenching and sad. We live together and this has to be by far the hardest way to end a relationship but still live together. I mean we are so fine with each other it’s not the problem. For me, it is the issue of standing still that makes me so anxious. Sure, I have been looking for apartments but it’s just that I haven’t found the right one that suites my space and my wallet. No, it is not an excuse to prolong leaving, that I can assure you. This is not easy for either of us. It can get uneasy and uncomfortable for us both at times. The lines are defined but blur. It is just tough.
That’s all I got for now.