To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern,

It has been some time since we last spoke and I was pretty upset with you when we did.  I guess the reason for the argument was not the real reason for the falling out.  I never intended to not have you here as a friend.  The fact that you have went unphased by the end of our communication makes me feel sad.  Not only sad but stupid.  Stupid because maybe the value I had put on the friendship had been greater than the value you had put on it.  Maybe I misjudged the relationship.

With that said, let me just clarify that I know that I am not a perfect friend.  I am flakey because I am anxious and a commitment phobe.  I break plans a lot because I get tired, lazy or nervous about nothing.  I try to be a good listener but I am not good at it which is something I always expressed to you.  You didn’t really like to talk about your issues anyway so i thought we both agreed that it was a good fit.  I talk and you listen,  I try to listen and you try to talk.  I don’t know, I thought it worked, at least for a while.

I tried to be there for you even when you wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong.  I was very open and blunt about my opinions on your decisions, not because I wanted to make you feel bad or hurt you but because if I didn’t tell you exactly what I felt about it, I would feel like I wasn’t being true to you or our friendship.  I feel a friend should tell you want you need to hear not what you want to hear.

I know I have my faults and I am the type of person to admit when I am making a mistake.  I would never give you 100% of the blame for the weirdness that had come between us.  I have tried to figure out for months where things changed.  What went wrong?  Did I change?  Did you change?  Did we just grow apart as people just naturally tend to do?

Was it insecurities?  Was it something I had that you wanted or was it something you had that I wanted?  I always admired your “don’t give a fuck” attitude.  I hated that I worried about everything so much and you could just brush everything off your shoulders.  I wanted that quality and it was so frustrating to watch everything roll off of you, even now.  Maybe I was jealous of that.  I can admit that.  We are human beings, there is no way in hell that friends can’t be jealous of what the other might possess.  I am strong enough to admit that.

I miss the laughs, I miss the really really long, good conversations.  The real ones, though.  The ones without the hard shell mask.  The walks, the talks, the times we sat in the car and would bullshit for hours about everyone and everything.  Our Full Circle.  The times where I knew you had my back and you weren’t trying to make jokes at my expense.  Towards the end, I started to do the same.  I’ll admit that.  Why not?  I was being dished that.

All that I say, doesn’t make me correct but it is just statements of how I felt and feel.  Now, I am moving on.  You haven’t tried to find out if there is a friendship worth saving anyway.  Something I am not a stranger to.  People give up or people were complacent and never really wanted to try and that’s fine.  I get it.  I have been dealt those cards many times before.

Bottom line is, I put faith and trust into this friendship and there are very few relationships as a whole that I put anything into and I feel crushed.  It may mean nothing to you, I may just have been a person in passing and you may say that I am being over dramatic.  All of that may be true but it doesn’t change how this has affected me and it isn’t wrong to feel.  I won’t change my mind on that.

I could go on but I stop here for now.

Til Then,

Lee

To Mother, Letter 6

Dear Mother,

I have certainly made a big mistake yesterday.  I do not necessarily feel apologetic towards you but more towards myself.  I let my emotions react and didn’t process why I became angry.  I asked you to please not contact me and pose as my mother, steal pictures off social networks and pretend you were any sort of mother to me or my brother.  I told you that my mother had died because figuratively, she has.  We haven’t had a relationship in 13 years, yet you celebrate Mother’s Day as if you deserve to.  I guess that is why I reacted.  But your response was entirely uncalled for.

“antoinettef….@…..com 6:31 PM (21 hours ago) to me 

“You ungrateful little shit I carried you for nine months gave you life all your precious father gave you was his sperm to create you…I hope you never experience what people have experienced with a man like you father…you have no effin clue how he hurt me all those years…dont look at my page and pictures, if i want a picture of my so called children then I can have them…you ass…your such a ungrateful piece of shit, I hope you will never regret these words…u will never admit how I took care of you and u denied me the rest, I WALKED OUT ON YOUR FATHER….AND FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER ALLOWED ME BACK IN!!!!!!!  You can not denied I have tried in numerous of ways to make this right between us…Now you know what I wish for you,,, You daughter will break your heart to pieces one day….and when that time comes…I want u to remember those words you said to me….Im dead….well someday your going to eat those words…because u know why…there is a God, God will allow you to see the pain you cause your mother…remember me that day when your child betrays you…remember me that day and when u do, you will know and feel the pain…I am so done caring about you…your were my biggest mistake…wished I never had a child like you…your an evil human that belongs to satan himself…no human has a heart like you..good luck in your sad sad life.   Remember one more thing…remember these words Lisa when your husband will give you your first crack across your face just like you precious father cracked me over and over again, even when you were in my stomach at 4 months pregnant…things u chose not to know but a reality to me and haunts me for the rest of my life…he can deny it all he wants but when it comes to judgement day, he will be judge like the rest of us…me included as a sinner..and you for the hurt u have caused me over and over…dont reply cause I cant stand you anymore…i am so done with u..in my eyes your dead!!!!   Stay the fuck off my facebook page you little piece of shit!!””

I am so disturbed by the behavior set forth from a 51 year old woman who abandoned her two children 13 years ago.  Your accusations against the man who raised me, my dad, yea, a judge in the court of law deemed you mentally unstable to obtain custody of your children and were only granted visitation in a public place with adult supervision.  In which, you came to visit once.  Not to mention, a diary entry signed by you stating, that my father never once laid a hand on you and that was also used against you in court as you were lying under oath.  You are lying to justify your actions.  It is human nature.

I digress.  Not that I would ever need to defend my precious father or our family name, because as you say God does know.  And maybe I shouldn’t be so angry after all these years over an illness that you obviously can not control.  I should feel more sad for you, that you mix up you childhood with mine.  I am sorry your father abused your mother mentally and physically and your mind wasn’t able to properly process that, in turn you relived it through my life.  That is so sad.  It really is a shame that no matter how much time has passed you were never able to seek the help that you truly need.

Under no circumstance was your letter appropriate or sane.  You gave me life, you gave me a true sense of abandonment and then you wish me pain still, 13 years later.  God is good and I will endure all the pain you wish to throw at me if it means that I will never have to be subjected to you ever again.  I will do that for you.  I will take your anger and frustration if it means you leave me alone until the day of your last breath because unlike you, I am not selfish and I have empathy.  Also, I am strong and I survived through your mistakes and it made me a way better person than you’ll be on the day of your death and I thank you, mother.  I thank you for helping me become so far from the woman you are and so close to the father I have.  He gave up his life, his freedoms and his time to ensure that my brother and I received a great education, experience family the way you never have, and made sure that though you couldn’t love us that he could and it is unconditional.

It is a shame that you will never experience a best friend like the one only a mother could have with her daughter.  You will never experience being a grandmother to the grandchildren you have already damned verbally.  And I thank you for being all that you are because it continues to make me all that I am.  Your words are sad.  They don’t pierce even the surface of my skin, in all your efforts to try, you aren’t strong because a strong person admits the damage they have done and apologizes, owns up to it and moves on.  You are truly the saddest and most helpless person I have ever been in contact within the 28 years of my life and I am so sorry that you weren’t able to help yourself.

But I am so grateful that I had you to show me exactly how I never wish to be.

Lee