To Mother, Letter 8

Dear Mother,

I had a dream about you two nights ago, it was sad.  You had been shot twice and rushed to the hospital and someone in my dream was telling me that I would regret not going but I didn’t want to see you, I didn’t want to know you were even in there.  I was upset though, I knew in my heart I didn’t want you to die, I just wanted to coexist but I never wanted to wish any harm on you.  I found myself hysterically crying and emotionally conflicted in the dream.  I woke up crying in the  middle of the night and it stayed with me that day.  It was hard for me to make out what the dream actually meant but I can try to take a guess.

As much as you have broken my heart and apparently continue to do so with your absence and harsh words, I guess the good in me, doesn’t want you to die.  You may say that I am dead to you but I know you don’t mean it.  It would be impossible for you to forget about a person that you delivered all those years ago.  I realized it’s not hate I feel but just heartache.  You truly hurt me so much all these years and you don’t even remember all the reasons why.  That’s okay, though.  I don’t like the person you are; I don’t think  you are well enough to be anyone else either but I don’t wish death upon you.  Straight from the subconscious world, you’ve heard it first.

Anger mixes in with the hurt so the lines are sometimes blurred, it is obvious we have both crossed those lines.  It is so painful to dream about you and feel all the same feelings that I felt so many years ago as if it was just happening now.  You will never allow yourself to acknowledge what you put me through because of your own unhappiness but I am glad to say that I am finally able to break those chains and be happy again.

So look, I don’t want you to die.  Isn’t that a miracle? I know you would be shocked since you think that I have as much hate in me as you do in your life but I don’t.  I am actually doing a lot better than you had hoped.  You failing me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because it make me work hard and appreciate everything I have today.

Lee

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To Mother, Letter 7

Mother,

I awoke this morning to find yet another email waiting in my inbox stating an unspoken apology.  Trying to convince me that the words you wrote previously were uncalled for, not who you are and was wrong.  You are right.  You were wrong and always have been.  But throughout this letter, still you are blaming me for the relationship that we don’t have and I don’t think that is fair in the least.  You still blame my father for it too and no one told you to abandon your children.

Everyone is entitled to live their lives happily and in accordance to their vision and if you were unhappy with my father that is your right to divorce him.  My issues do not lie there.  My issues are from when I was a 14-year-old girl and you made me lie to my father about where you were, you left me in someone’s room while you hung around downstairs with strange, unfamiliar men, you threatened if I didn’t lie that I would be punished, you tried to pull me down a flight of stairs, you lunged at me in a fit of rage when I couldn’t lie and hurt my father anymore about what you had been doing and you screamed that I had betrayed you.  I was 14 years old and afraid of what you would do to my life if I didn’t listen and you forced me to tag along on your ventures.  I had to harbor in the guilt and pain of knowing that I was lying to my dad, telling him we were at the mall when we were not, I was hiding upstairs while you were entertained by people I did not know.  I used to be anxious and afraid to come home after school, not knowing if you thought I may have slipped up and I couldn’t trust that I was safe around you anymore.

You seem to forget the first time you left for a few nights, you called the house finally, to say that you were okay.  I begged and pleaded for you to come home.  I will never forget that day.  It was the last day I showed you vulnerability, the last time I wanted to have you as my mother and you said no.  I shut down after that day.  These are the days that you forget.  You write me an email telling me that it is my fault that I don’t want a relationship with you but I never wanted you to put me under those circumstances as a child.  I never wanted to lose my mother.  I never did anything in my life to deserve the pain you inflicted on me.  Yet, somehow you tell me that all that I have stated is my fault, that my father, myself and my brother are responsible for all of your actions.  You write that you have given up and you will move on to live out the best of what’s left of your life.  You want me to feel sorry for you but yet you have never apologized or admitted that your actions were terribly wrong.  You have never taken responsibility and owned up to anything you have done thus far.  I don’t believe you and I don’t trust you.  I wish that I never had to remember you existed but it is a catch 22 because without your existence, I would not be here.

Please stay away this time.  Mean what you say, when you wrote that you will give up and stop pretending that you’re a mother to two children you haven’t seen in almost 14 years.  We are adults now, yet you haven’t progressed since the day you left and that is so very sad.

Lee


To Mother, Letter 6

Dear Mother,

I have certainly made a big mistake yesterday.  I do not necessarily feel apologetic towards you but more towards myself.  I let my emotions react and didn’t process why I became angry.  I asked you to please not contact me and pose as my mother, steal pictures off social networks and pretend you were any sort of mother to me or my brother.  I told you that my mother had died because figuratively, she has.  We haven’t had a relationship in 13 years, yet you celebrate Mother’s Day as if you deserve to.  I guess that is why I reacted.  But your response was entirely uncalled for.

antoinettef….@…..com 6:31 PM (21 hours ago) to me 

“You ungrateful little shit I carried you for nine months gave you life all your precious father gave you was his sperm to create you…I hope you never experience what people have experienced with a man like you father…you have no effin clue how he hurt me all those years…dont look at my page and pictures, if i want a picture of my so called children then I can have them…you ass…your such a ungrateful piece of shit, I hope you will never regret these words…u will never admit how I took care of you and u denied me the rest, I WALKED OUT ON YOUR FATHER….AND FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER ALLOWED ME BACK IN!!!!!!!  You can not denied I have tried in numerous of ways to make this right between us…Now you know what I wish for you,,, You daughter will break your heart to pieces one day….and when that time comes…I want u to remember those words you said to me….Im dead….well someday your going to eat those words…because u know why…there is a God, God will allow you to see the pain you cause your mother…remember me that day when your child betrays you…remember me that day and when u do, you will know and feel the pain…I am so done caring about you…your were my biggest mistake…wished I never had a child like you…your an evil human that belongs to satan himself…no human has a heart like you..good luck in your sad sad life.   Remember one more thing…remember these words Lisa when your husband will give you your first crack across your face just like you precious father cracked me over and over again, even when you were in my stomach at 4 months pregnant…things u chose not to know but a reality to me and haunts me for the rest of my life…he can deny it all he wants but when it comes to judgement day, he will be judge like the rest of us…me included as a sinner..and you for the hurt u have caused me over and over…dont reply cause I cant stand you anymore…i am so done with u..in my eyes your dead!!!!   Stay the fuck off my facebook page you little piece of shit!!””

I am so disturbed by the behavior set forth from a 51 year old woman who abandoned her two children 13 years ago.  Your accusations against the man who raised me, my dad, yea, a judge in the court of law deemed you mentally unstable to obtain custody of your children and were only granted visitation in a public place with adult supervision.  In which, you came to visit once.  Not to mention, a diary entry signed by you stating, that my father never once laid a hand on you and that was also used against you in court as you were lying under oath.  You are lying to justify your actions.  It is human nature.

I digress.  Not that I would ever need to defend my precious father or our family name, because as you say God does know.  And maybe I shouldn’t be so angry after all these years over an illness that you obviously can not control.  I should feel more sad for you, that you mix up you childhood with mine.  I am sorry your father abused your mother mentally and physically and your mind wasn’t able to properly process that, in turn you relived it through my life.  That is so sad.  It really is a shame that no matter how much time has passed you were never able to seek the help that you truly need.

Under no circumstance was your letter appropriate or sane.  You gave me life, you gave me a true sense of abandonment and then you wish me pain still, 13 years later.  God is good and I will endure all the pain you wish to throw at me if it means that I will never have to be subjected to you ever again.  I will do that for you.  I will take your anger and frustration if it means you leave me alone until the day of your last breath because unlike you, I am not selfish and I have empathy.  Also, I am strong and I survived through your mistakes and it made me a way better person than you’ll be on the day of your death and I thank you, mother.  I thank you for helping me become so far from the woman you are and so close to the father I have.  He gave up his life, his freedoms and his time to ensure that my brother and I received a great education, experience family the way you never have, and made sure that though you couldn’t love us that he could and it is unconditional.

It is a shame that you will never experience a best friend like the one only a mother could have with her daughter.  You will never experience being a grandmother to the grandchildren you have already damned verbally.  And I thank you for being all that you are because it continues to make me all that I am.  Your words are sad.  They don’t pierce even the surface of my skin, in all your efforts to try, you aren’t strong because a strong person admits the damage they have done and apologizes, owns up to it and moves on.  You are truly the saddest and most helpless person I have ever been in contact within the 28 years of my life and I am so sorry that you weren’t able to help yourself.

But I am so grateful that I had you to show me exactly how I never wish to be.

Lee


To You, From Me

Dear You, 

Your mind has been really unsettling lately.  I find that you are trying to be more positive but it is a very slow process.  You are not working nearly as hard enough as you should be, in turn, no one is benefiting from you small attempt to do a little more than nothing.  That is very annoying to you, to me, to all parties involved, honestly.  

You are so unhappy with the way you look, these past 6 months, your raging lunatic attitude is really hindering and hiding all the best things about your life and the things you have.  What the heck are you doing?  You are so mad and disappointed about this weight gain but you eat like it’s your “last supper”.  Duh!  Get a grip.  Okay, okay, so your 5 days in to your Weight Watchers diet and yes, you are feeling more motivated but you still crave such terrible food and you are thinking “how many points can I get away with today?”  Horrible.  That shouldn’t be the main focus, but vanity will get you, if you’re me.

I really have nothing else to really be upset about.  I, of course would like a raise or promotion or a bonus or something already.  Living paycheck to paycheck, worrying and calculating every purchase is an anxiety enabler.  One can only pretend, it’s nothing to get that pair of shoes when inside they are sweating, wondering if that purchase will take money away from the next upcoming bill.  And there is always another bill creeping up behind you.

You are disappointing to me and I am disappointing to you.  I have picked up an ugly deadly sin.  Envy.  And envy looks hideous on any one who wears it.  It is a very shitty feeling to have and even harder to admit that you have it.  I am human though and susceptible to all things at one point or another.  I can’t make one excuse for envy though.  There is anything that can come of it besides consistent negativity and self loathing.  Who wants to be that person?  And better yet, who wants to around that person?  You know that feeling when you aren’t happy with yourself, how you look, how you feel in your own skin and the frustrating fact that you can’t blame ANYONE in the world but yourself so instead of taking the blame, you want what someone else has and you hate that they possess it.  You can even love that person, but you hate everything they possess only because it is a threat to you.  Instead of being happy for that person, any person, you want them to feel as miserable as you EVEN though, it’s not really in your character to really feel this way.  Envy is a sickness, it seeps in and it is something you need to identify and destroy at the first sight of it or it manifest.  That can be a scary reality if it is not caught and killed off.

So, does this mean you are a terrible person because you let envy in?  I’d like to think that if you are away of the issue, then you can work towards a process of making it go away.  If you were just envious and doing hurtful things and were unaware of the damage you were causing then I would hold you way more accountable for those actions.  But you a harboring the envy because you that it is wrong but it is seeping through in your actions unknowingly and that is way the issue lies.  That is where there is a big problem.  There is a big lack of gratitude and gratitude should be one of the first things you have towards everything in your life.

So, I am disappointed in you.  You have given in to the temptation of envy.  Envy feels good for no one.  At what point, do you change your character?  Through experience, through interaction or through pure selfishness?  At the end of the day envy, is not thinking of what others have but more thinking of what you do not have.  That is selfish.  Selfish is something you never want to be and something you worked so hard at not being.  Where do you stand now?  Sixteen days before your 28th year and what do you have to show for it?  An envious, overweight, unattractive woman?  Self-hatred and loathing and without any appreciation for all that has been achieved in those years?  It is shameful that even when you think you are making progress, you are actually jumping a few steps back.  

Wake up and stop saying that you are going to reevaluate your life over and over but do nothing.  Your words and your actions do not mean anything because nothing has come from it.

What are YOU doing?  How much more time will YOU waste?  Time is irrelevant but how much of YOU will you waste until the day it expires?  Stop talking and start doing, please.  I am begging you.

WAKE UP. The sun has risen.

Me


To Mother, Letter 5

Dear Mother,

As much as pain may be perceived as weakness, in its raw setting, I find it holds strength when someone just admits the hurting is there.  How many years am I going to let go by, without letting go?  Do I love the excuse?  You have given me the greatest excuse to be sad, to hurt, to choose the wrong people, to keep my guard up and to let my guard down.  I think.

You are pushed way back in my mind, but you keep showing your face.  You have cursed me with dreams.  You are a distorted image of someone I used to know and someone I have created when I no longer knew you.  Woe is me.  An adult, sad because mommy didn’t love me let alone enough to at least stick around for the formative years.

How many times will I have to love someone and then have them ripped away from me?  Raw love.  You are the first person, but not the last.  How could I have even let that happen a second time?  Yet it happened again, I believed something that didn’t exist.  I loved something I couldn’t keep and it was taken from me.  The feeling is all too familiar.

You have no idea, the effects your actions have had.  You only know your feelings, your perception.  You do not know mine.  Until you take responsibility for what has happened and come to me with the apology not for the sorrow you feel but for the emptiness you have left in me, you will never know me.

My life is on pause for 13 years.  I have learned nothing.  I can admit my faults, my mistakes and my errors, something I did not learn from you but took from your examples.  I am a tree stump, I am not going to pretend that things are perfect or put on a show for all to see that although you failed, I prevailed.  I may have succeeded far more than you ever could but mentally, I am broken.  I have yet to change that path.  I am trying, but it is so hard.

I am still fighting to let go.  I need to fight harder.

Lee


Short Post Note To Love

I never realized how much faith I put into you until you disappointed me. You were supposed to be true to me and you have only led me on to believe in a fictitious concept that is meant to destroy the mind and soul. Weary old I, have no hope in you any longer. You have me sitting scorned and broken, as a flame dances over what is left of me. I continue to provide the wood to your fire and I enable you to burn.


To My Nonna

Dear Nonna,

I never ever got a chance to tell you what you meant to me.  I wanted to visit you when I found out your children had placed you in a home but I didn’t know of the response I would get from you or anyone and then you passed on.  It is always easier for me to start at the beginning.  I remember when my parents would leave me with you and papa for a few hours when they needed a sitter every once in a while.  Remember how Papa would take me in the basement of the apartment building and he had his trains set up and it was like his little world that he shared with me.  My favorite was having the Prosciutto being homemade and the dry sausage too!

On a deeper level, you weren’t very affectionate but you gave hugs sometimes, but I really made the initiative to hug you and I never minded.  Even as a little girl, I could see the sadness in your eyes, you worked  so hard and you didn’t ever feel loved.  That’s why I always said I love you to you when no one else did and it was nice that you said it back.  I meant it too.  Your life from what I observed was very difficult, I know that Papa was not a good man, husband or father.  It is a shame, he was a good Papa to me for a little while though, I will be honest about that.

You used to make the BEST linguine with baby clams in a white sauce.  It is still my favorite and you used to add cut up tomatoes in it, I never liked tomatoes and still don’t; only in my clam sauce.  I make it just like you do and even made my grandma (dad’s mom) make it that way for me only.  [She does it but she doesn’t really want to.]

I remember you used to make the homemade cavedelle’s too.  I tried it and I did a really good job, I would like to think, you would have been proud of me.

I miss those chucks of prosciutto or capicola that you used to get from the pork stores and we all would cut thick pieces of it and drink Pepsi.  And I would chew on the skin for days. Ha ha.  Papa always made fun of me because I would say “Cabigool” instead of capicola.  I can’t eat like that anymore though, I would blow up like a balloon from all the salt and oil.

You didn’t really know too much English and you would get so mad when I didn’t understand what you were saying, all I knew was, “aspetta minuta” translates to wait a minute, because I was usually asking you a question and when you did try to translate and couldn’t find the word you would say, “Cuomo se diche”, “What’s the word?”

We used to come over your house every Saturday or Sunday to hang out and eat dinner.  We used to have Christmas Eve with you and papa every year.  You made the best lobster tails and calamari in the sauce ever.  You always made linguine, that is probably why I always choose that when I am making pasta plus my dad liked it a lot too.

I think if I had more time with you, things would have been different with us and I would have shown you the attention that everyone else neglected to show you.  I know you remember the holidays when my father, brother and I visited you in the hospital and your own children didn’t come.  I know you must have felt so alone.  Now that I am older and an adult, I wish I could have a conversation with you and understand how you felt as a person, not as a mother, wife or nonna. I always saw the sadness in your eyes and you struggled your whole life and had nothing to show for it, even your children disappointed you in one way or another.

I am sure you had your faults and weren’t perfect but you deserved a chance and I really don’t believe that you were ever given a chance to shine.  I mean you left school in the 3rd grade to go to work in Italy, you didn’t even know when your birthday was so you celebrated it on your mother’s birthday.  I think I remember meeting your mother once, she had really long hair and was little.  Which reminds me your hair never went gray and it always so thick! I wish I would have inherited that!

Anyway, I guess I didn’t really know you well enough at all because up until about 13, I was young and after Antoinette left, that was that.  You did try to talk her out of her sporadic behaviour and you did take the bus to Staten Island to do so.  I was there for that and you passed out in my house because you just couldn’t understand what was happening to your daughter.  I hope that you missed me.  I hoped that whatever type of relationship that did exist between us was real.

I dream about you sometimes and all the words I never said.

Ti Amo Nonna,

Lee


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