Let me first say, I can’t believe it has been 11 years. There are so many things I want to say to you and now that I realized I can write them in a letter, I am at a loss for words. I can remember the day you left almost exactly as it had happened. I know I need to let go. I can try to put into words all the emotions I went through leading up to that day. Let me go to back to what I can remember before the fallout.
I remember as a little girl, you pretended you were my best friend. You used to love the way I sang and you used to push me to sing at school. I remember the first time I ever sang on stage. I was 10 years old, in fourth grade and our class was having a talent show. I was going to perform a dance number with a friend but at the last-minute she backed out. The whole time you wanted me to sing, “I will always love you” the one that Whitney Houston sang in The Bodyguard. We loved that movie, I think. So I asked my teacher and I surprised you and sang in front of the whole school. For you. You didn’t even want custody of you kids nearly four years later.
I can remember so many things in my past but the memories I have with you are seldom and faded. I remember in junior high school, a friend at the time, Ali wanted to plan a surprise birthday party for me and I found out about it but was so excited. You told her, you didn’t want to have it. I remember being so upset and so angry. Why didn’t you want my friend to plan something that made me feel special? I had never had a surprise party before. No one ever thought to do something like that for me before then. Why did you take that away from me?
I don’t remember a lot of hugs. I don’t remember a lot of affection. I do remember going shopping with you in Novelli’s Pork Store and telling you, “I love you” and you telling me, ” You don’t have to tell me every five minutes, I know that you love me.” I was probably about 7-9 years old. I was so embarrassed. That hurt.
You used to smoke a lot. You never bit your nails. You always had your make up down and you slept with it on. You never put your hair in a pony tail or did anything different to it except when you permed it, then it was just down and curly. It was always blonde and you were either really fat or really thin but never in between.
I never saw you and my dad very affectionate towards each other. Any time my dad would come near you, you seemed like you didn’t want to be bothered. You always talked about how difficult he was and how he loved my brother more than he loved me. You told me when I was little that you were going to leave him when I was 18.
You never worked, you cooked poorly and you talked on the phone a lot. You were never really bright, so you could never really help me with my homework unless it was something crafty. You even asked me to buy you a pack of cigarettes when I was like 8 and even I had to tell you that they wouldn’t sell them to me.
I guess this letter was just some words of reflection. I haven’t tried to remember you in a very long time. My next letter may not be so easy to read but we will see.