Let me start off by saying, you have been off to a real rocky start. As you sit in your apartment feeling depressed and sorry for yourself, your life is passing you by at a rapid speed. Why do you do this to yourself? There is nothing wrong with you. There is everything wrong with you. What is it that you want to hear? You hide behind solitude and you don’t even know why. Then you ask why you are so alone. You shut everyone out and complain about it. What is the issue?
You blame your past, you blame your present, and you go as far as damning your future. You want to live but you let everyone’s actions dictate your next move but your confused as to why you are never happy. You can’t find happiness in a box smothered in tissue paper and gift wrap. You say you never feel happy about anything. You say you are never excited about anything. What do you live for? You don’t have an answer. So you wish the end was nearer. You are spoiled because there are sick people who wish they had your healthy organs and the strength to wake up everyday just to be miserable. You want to give up a life that God chose for you, because you can’t find your way out of a dark tunnel. You feel like your walking with your eyes closed and hitting a wall constantly. You think you are realizing there is no way out and you want me to tell you that you are right but I can’t.
What is it going to take, to gain control over your own life? How far will you push yourself to believe that nothing will change? How much anxiety and pain will you suffer to justify that your life is not worth living? You know you don’t really want anyone to help you because if you did you would listen to what they had to say. Maybe you would even do something about it but you don’t. You wallow in your own self-pity because it is easier that way. Because deep down you don’t want to change, you don’t want to let go because this heartache is your crutch. You want to blame everyone around you for why you aren’t happy but the truth is. it is because you have made no real effort to change. You have sugar-coated yourself with research and studying how to improve and how to get better but you have not change one single direction of which you are going in. The path remains the same.
Your heart races, you mind never sleeps, your hands tremble, your body heats up and a tear rolls down your face. Why? You reply, I don’t know. What are you holding on to? And what are you pushing away? I’ll never completely understand your pain. All you want to do is be loved, but the people who love you, you either run the other way or find a reason why they couldn’t possibly love you. It is a lose lose with you. What do you want? It is so frustrating and the thing is, you have no idea what you want. You continue living this empty life day in and day out, falling into a rut. You go to work, you come home, you go to work, you come home. You have choices. You made some crappy ones in the past but everyday is another chance.
You don’t want to hear any of this. You have no patience. You just want to be better. You want a new personality. You want to end this life and start a new one. But guess what, it doesn’t work like that. There are so many people around the world who don’t have the simple luxuries that you have and every single moment you take that for granted. You have to make a difference in your own life. You need to change the path. Stop using the same map and complain that you can’t find your way home each time. The place you want to go is on the updated map, and you should probably be using a GPS nowadays. But seriously, you play it safe, you are settling for unhappy. You don’t believe it will change and you don’t believe you deserve to be happy. You don’t believe you deserve to be loved. It is crazy that you don’t believe that people love you. When a person says they love you, you question their motives. When your family says they love you, you think it is because they are obligated to say that. It would be wrong or immoral for them to not love their own blood. I understand that you have a past of abandonment and disappointment and the road to now has not been easy for you emotionally or mentally but you have been using that as an excuse.
When are you going to live your life? When are you going to enjoy today? You can’t wish it was over. You can’t keep thinking that is the answer because it is not.
Don’t waste your life away. Please. Change. Today.